A marriage made in heaven

I have this roommate. My roommate has this girlfriend. Sort of.
Even though money is tight and we can barely feed ourselves and stay ahead of the bills, over the last few months my roommate has let his sort-of girlfriend move into the house, bringing all of her stuff with her, and taking over a bedroom my roommate could have rented-out for at least $300 or $400 per month.
My roommate is not being "a nice guy." He Wants Something from this sort-of relationship. And he's not getting it. She won't sleep with him. She always has some kind of lame excuse.
She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't have a job. She's technically homeless. She gets food-stamp money every month, and spends it at the nearest grocery store ... but she also has five little nieces and nephews that live nearby, and most of the food ends up going to them. And my roommate has to go pick them up when she wants to see them.
When she cooks, it's for the kids. She never cleans up after herself, no matter how big the mess. She won't do dishes.
When she's in the house, she always has the TV blaring -- even when she's asleep. A couple days back she noticed some of the old record albums I have stashed in my room -- Aretha, Al Green, THE MOTOWN STORY. "There's some great old stuff here," she said. "You should play some of it."
"I would," I said, "if you'd ever turn the TV off."
She can be drunk by 11 a.m. She can go through a bottle of wine or vodka in a day, easy -- and start looking around for more. And when she gets a good buzz on, she won't shut up.
When she's really hungover, she spends all day in her room and never makes a sound.
She sometimes creeps around the house like a drug addict, sneaking in and out so no one can ever tell when she leaves or returns. Sometimes she leaves the TV turned up to cover the sound of her sneaking out. Sometimes she leaves just before my roommate gets home from work -- maybe so she won't have to deal with him...?
She's stolen money from my roommate three times. Last winter, a $1,000 electrical generator was stolen out of the back yard when she was the only person in the house -- she claims she never heard a thing. For awhile, I was constantly carrying my laptop and checkbook with me, because I don't trust her. I'm still carrying the laptop -- it's too easy to grab and go pawn-off.
My roommate has threatened to leave all of her stuff out on the front porch, has threatened to haul all her belongings to the dump. He wants her to go back to school, get her GED, go to college.
She'd rather stay home, get drunk, and stare at the TV.
My roommate drinks too, and when they're both drunk, it's something to see. She'll call his name every few minutes about something, and he'll snap at her. When he's REALLY hammered he calls her every name in the book. They can sit on the couch for hours sniping at each other.
She's never around on weekends, because she's out partying with someone else, people we don't know about and have never met.
She's young enough to be his daughter.
What I want to know is What does he get from this "relationship."
When he's drunk, my roommate can talk for HOURS about all the people in his life who have screwed him -- from his parents and his family to his co-workers to his roommates. EVERYBODY'S out to screw him over.
And he must have a real martyr complex, because he's setting himself up to be screwed again.
When I ask what he gets from her, all he says is "It's better than being alone."
No. There are lots of things that are worse than being alone. One of them is being stuck with someone who doesn't love you, doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you.
I've told my roommate he's being used, and he just blows it off. He's in denial. Unless he's really drunk, and then it comes out in the ugliest possible ways. He knows what's going on....
When they get after each other, I usually go hide in my room and try to ignore them. Sometimes it's like they want me there to play referee. I won't do it. They argue anyway, and sometimes I don't get much sleep.
But there's been no violence, so far. Lots of yelling and abuse, but no violence.
Everybody has issues, but Jesus. After seeing these two go at it, I'm surprised anyone ever gets close to anybody, anymore. Do they think this crap is "Normal"?
What do women want? What do men want?
It's hard enough trying to figure out what I want.

#661: Dating After 50 (Part 2)

OK, to recap....
The Fast One was a REALLY great kisser. But she was Crazy -- & Not in a Good Way. & the main reasons she seemed to want a guy around were for money & emotional support.
The Slow One was a nice person, but there was a lot of Mystery workin' there. One Winter night she actually called ME at work, which she NEVER did, & said -- out of the blue -- that she'd "really love to have a warm body to cuddle up with on these cold nights."
Bing-bing-BING! I gently offered to come right over after I closed the store ... but she said she didn't want that. I never really figured out what she DID want....
The 28-year-old disappeared after she came into the store one busy night & I wasn't absolutely overjoyed to see her. Besides, she had guys Her Own Age to chase after. Before that, she'd started showing me pictures of them that they'd sent to her cellphone....
Somewhere in the middle of this, an old friend kept popping up unexpectedly. She was also Just My Type, & a little closer to My Age, just passing 40. I thought she was gorgeous, & a lot of fun to talk with.
& even though her daughter's birthday inspired from me the first piece of comedy-fiction I'd written in YEARS as a birthday present -- they read it & laughed 'til they cried -- even that wasn't enough to win her over.
She finally told me very gently that -- even though she liked me -- I was WAY down her list of eligible men.
After these failures, I backed off for a bit. Like, 2 years. I started wondering if there was something wrong with me, if I expected too much, if I was misreading women. I'm famous for over-reacting, getting things wrong, making Something out of Nothing.
So I cooled off for awhile, gave up, kept to myself -- read & listened to music & wrote on this blog, & felt fairly happy. I thought I was doing OK. Maybe I was a little lonely sometimes, but I got to the point where I didn't obsess about it. In fact, I tried not to think about it at all. I thought My Life Was Good.
Maybe I was wrong. My roommate -- who had to put up with me through this -- told me at one point that I was being "insufferable." & that's a big word for him.
So I got brave, looked at my bank account, & took the plunge. I joined Match.com.
It was a fun experience, & a real eye-opener. I was only on Match for 2 months -- long enough to get WAY cynical about it. Even got a blog post out of it -- look up "2 months on Match.com!", it's worth the trouble, lotsa laughs.
I was on long enough that my Match profile/bio turned into a satire of all the women's bios I'd been reading -- poking fun at the laundry-list of requirements they had for a guy. Sure, I wanted a financially-secure, romantic, emotionally-stable, passionate mate who enjoyed long romantic walks on a moonlit beach -- who wouldn't want THAT? But the Reality was....
I was in my last couple weeks on Match when a woman walked into my work & introduced herself -- as I'd urged brave women to do in my bio, because I thought I came across better in person than in a photo.
Problem was, I didn't know who she was. Match had sent my bio to her, but I hadn't seen her profile.
She got all embarrassed -- but I told her not to be, that it was All Good & maybe we'd talk more....
I went home that night & checked Match & there she was. We e-mailed each other, & agreed to meet for coffee & talk. We met again for coffee a couple nights later, then agreed to have a picnic on my next day off -- pretty brave planning for Western Washington in the Spring.
& we've been together pretty-much ever since. That's been over a year, now.
At first it was nice just having someone new to talk with. Then it became obvious that we were very much alike in our interests & temperaments & OCD-ness. ...& then we started finishing each other's sentences. & calling each other at the same time. & making each other laugh 'til we cry. & all that other gooshy stuff that happens when you start Falling for someone.
We're very comfortable with each other, & at my age that means a lot. It hasn't been perfect, exactly. We've both got weird work schedules, & we're both a bit of a challenge to live with. There have been a couple bumpy spots along the way, but not as many as I'd expected, & nothing really Major. Mainly, I think, because the new girlfriend is a grown-up. She's very steady. That makes a big difference.
This could happen to you, too. Don't give up.
But watch out for the Crazies....

#660: Dating After 50 (Part 1)

It's a jungle out there.
After the end of my last long-term Relationship (10 years), I was actually kind of excited about meeting somebody new. But I didn't realize how weird things had gotten since the last time I went out on a date.
I went through 5 years of scaring women off, meeting & going out with women who were Obviously Wrong for me, even joining a dating website before I finally met someone who was Right for me -- by accident. & so far we've been together for over a year.
Once I became Available again, I made two obvious mistakes: I was a little too obvious & desperate. & I asked out just about any woman who seemed even mildly interested.
This led to 3 women in a row saying yes, they'd go out with me -- & then they vanished, never to be seen or heard from again. I got the message. I didn't like scaring women off, so I then became perhaps overly cautious.
Which led to me going on dates with one woman who was way too SLOW for me ... & another who was way too FAST. WAY too fast.
The Fast One was an impulse, A Date Of Opportunity, because I realized it had been too long since I'd actually said the words "Do you want to go out?" & she'd just broken up with her boyfriend, so she was easy pickins. But I paid for it....
"So, what's up?" I asked. "Oh," she said, "I just got done kickin' my old boyfriend to the curb." "Well, you need to go out with ME, then!" DONE!
We went out a couple times for a midnight snack, & she always left abruptly, as if she was scared of being followed. Nothing happened. Wasn't sure I WANTED anything to. She seemed a little crazy. Maybe more than a little. So I wrote her off.
Months later, she showed up at my job just as I was closing up. As I locked the front door, she ran up and kissed me on the cheek. "I want to go out with you RIGHT NOW," she said in a breathless rush. "I want you to drive MY car -- & you're gonna Get Lucky tonight 'cos I'm not wearing ANY PANTIES!"
Uh ... Oh ... Kay....
Survived that. But I learned what the game was pretty quick, because she'd only show up out of the blue, without any warning, whenever she needed emotional support or gas money to go see her son in Seattle. Eventually she just drifted away. Thank Ghod.
The Slow One was a couple years older than me, had been alone for 5 years, & said she'd gotten used to men not noticing her. She told me up-front she wanted me "to do all the work" -- call her, figure out things for us to do together, do all the driving, etc. We agreed to get together to check-out second-hand stores, have coffee, maybe go to a movie now & then. We agreed we'd be friends, not rush.
We went out a few times, had some laughs, were pretty relaxed with each other -- but after 3 months of seeing each other every couple weeks we had maybe gently pressed our lips together twice. Things were moving very slowly. We weren't learning much about each other. The conversation dragged. There was a LOT that wasn't being said.
& she wouldn't return phonecalls. After 9 p.m. she wouldn't even ANSWER her phone.
The End came when she got us movie matinee passes & I asked if she wanted me to put my arm around her in case the movie got scary.
"You just keep your arm to yourself," she said. Boom.
Then she COMPLETELY stopped answering her phone.
Too bad. She was a nice person, even if she was a little ... slow ....
There was a 28-year-old I met at work & went out with a couple times. She was My Type -- long dark hair, a few extra pounds in the right places, & she went on&ON about how she LOVED to come into the store when I was working. So I asked her out. I figured she was being pretty obvious.
I didn't realize how young she was until we were out drinking coffee & trying to cover the basics. Then I learned she was almost young enough to be my daughter.
I was uneasy, but kind of flattered because I thought she was HOT -- & very open in her conversation, which was also attractive.
But I noticed that as we sat there talking in the cafe, she looked at EVERY GUY who walked by, & that's when it hit me:
She was just Passing Time with The Old Guy until The Right Guy came along. Once that was clear to me, she wasn't so hot anymore.

(To Be Continued....)

Roommates....

OK, I'm gonna B ranting & raving & bitching here 4 awhile (as usual), so if U wanna change channels right now I don't blame you.... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So I have this roommate, J, who I've shared a house with 4 the past 3-1/2 yrs. It's HIS house. I just rent a room here.
I always pay my rent on time, I clean up after myself, I wash the dishes & throw out the trash & mow the lawn & pick-up the mail. A few times a year I try 2 cook something without poisoning us. When $$$ gets tight I sometimes find a way 2 cough up some Xtra cash. When the washer died, my income-tax return bought a new 1. When the lawnmower died, my tax return bought a new 1. When I KILLED the lawnmower awhile back, I paid 4 the repairs. But J never seems 2 remember this.
I don't play my strange music 2 loud (& never when J's at home) & I don't make much noise mosta the time. I'm not a real social person. I read & write & play my strange music & go 2 work, & if I can B left alone with what personal time I have left, that suits me just fine.
I know I'm grumpy & moody, that I can B a challenge 2 live with. I've bn like this mosta my life. I'm probly not gonna change much now.
J's a good guy & his heart's in the right place. He's gone a long way out 4 me, more than 1nce. If I have car troubles, he can usually fix them. Awhile back when I managed 2 boil-over the car radiator & kill the car's battery at the same time, J bought me a new battery & a new thermostat. & I paid him back in full the next time I got paid.
...But he drinks. A lot. & when he does, some pretty freakin' ugly things come out of his mouth.
J thinks he doesn't drink that much. He thinks he's cut back. He only drinks 3 or 4 18-packs a week, now. & he wonders why no women will go out with him. If they heard what he sez about them when he's drunk, they'd never get NEAR him.
If anybody wants anything from J, money or a favor, all they needta do is wait & ask him when he's drunk -- they won't havta wait long, & he'll give in every time. (He was drunk when I asked 2 borrow the $$$ 4 a new computer a coupla yrs back -- I'm no saint, either. I know how things work....) He'll especially give in if the person asking 4 the favor is a woman -- he'll do almost anything 4 a little attention.
J has 1 DWI conviction on his record -- & he knows if he ever gets another he'll lose his job. But that doesn't keep him from driving 2 the store when he's had a few. If he's drunk enuf, he'll blow $300 at the grocery store, or more at Wal-Mart. It's happened more than 1nce.
The worst part, 4 me, is that he's LONELY -- & that gets worse if he's been drinking. The 1st coupla yrs I lived here, I can't remember how many times we were up til 4 am just TALKING -- J usedta B able 2 do LONG monologues about how much his job sucked, & he'd never let the audience get a word in -- he just needed 2 get the frustration out, no matter how long it took. 1 time when he was REALLY shitfaced he told me the same story about work 3 times within 10 mins....
When he's had a few, he likes 2 turn on CNN, turn it up & start solving the world's problems. Sometimes he has some really good ideas, 2. But it depends on how much he's had 2 drink. Sometimes he'll feel sorry 4 all the hungry, homeless people Out There -- & a few mins later he'll B absolutely SURE that each 1 of those hungry, homeless people R sucking up his tax dollars -- why don't they just get a freakin' JOB?! .... I could live with this, but he Bcomes such an expert, such a freaking KNOW-IT-ALL after a few drinks -- he knows everything, he's done everything, & I haven't done shit.
Awhile back when I came home from my vacation, the 1st thing outta his mouth (he was shitfaced) was: "What are YOU gonna cook for dinner?!" Then, when he didn't want what I suggested, he said: "I'm sure glad yer back, cos I'm sicka walkin downhill 2 get yer mail...." He said he thot I might not come back from vacation, or that I might come back just long enuf 2 pack my things & move out.... Clearly he was sorta jealous that I went off & hadda good time without him....
Then he suggested we go hit his favorite bar. Trust me, taking me 2 a bar is about as appropriate as me taking J 2 a bookstore or a library -- I've never suggested it. But J won't let the bar thing go, it's always in the back of his mind. He thinks it'll cheer me up. The 1 time we went he blew $140 & then blamed me 4 it.
Leave me alone. That'll cheer me up.
Awhile back we hadda couple other roommates. 1 was a balding wanna-B-biker guy who's favorite phrase was: "Everything's gonna be all right, baby...." He was here 4 a coupla months B4 he fell in love with some1 & moved out. Then we got stuck with 1 of his old girlfriends -- who promised 2 cook & clean & do the dishes in Xchange 4 a break on the rent -- & then never cooked or cleaned. She never paid her rent on time 4 over a year, & I feel like I helped feed her 4 most of that time. Finally she moved out back at the end of Feb. I won't miss her. Not 1 of my favorite people ever.
Recently J has moved 2 a new work shift, so now I see him every day, not just on my days off. 1 of the reasons this arrangement useta work is cos we hardly ever saw each other & I didn't havta deal with what an ugly drunk he can sometimes B. Now I can't avoid him. Is there some kind of law that sez you HAVE 2 converse with the people you live with?
Awhile back, J thot I should try 2 apply 4 a job where he works -- after all the ugly stories I've heard about the place, why would I wanna do THAT? & Bsides, I don't want 2 C my roommate 24/7....
A decade ago, after my divorce & after my X-wife came & took the kids away, I had a huge old 4-bedroom house all to myself.
& I thot the silence was gonna drive me crazy.
Now I'm sure that I'm never going 2 B completely happy until I have my own place & can do what I want, when I want, & not havta worry about stepping on any1 else's toes.
3 more years in Washington will pay all of my major bills, & then it's back 2 Idaho where it's quieter & where at least I've got my family & a coupla old friends I can fall back on.
I'm tired of repressing who I am & what I do, postponing what I want 2 do, & caving-in & doing what a roommate wants 2 do, just 2 keep peace with a roommate.
Who I am & what I do is actually pretty boring, so I don't C why it should B a problem.
If NE of you out there have ever been in this situation -- how'd you put up with it?
...Sorry, this is kinda depressing. I shouldn't bitch. My life ain't so bad. I thot I could get some kinda comedy out of this. ... But I don't think it's gonna happen this time....