Late August, 1999. Two days after my 40th birthday. After taking my first week off from work in 3 years, by 8:30 am Monday I'm back at my desk, trying to pull-together the next issue of the small weekly newspaper I've been editing since May.
It's an absolutely normal Monday. There's a lot of work to do, a big pile of paperwork in front of me, & nobody did much to prepare for the next issue while I was gone. But I've been working 50+ hours a week since May, so I'm getting used to it. Everything is going exactly as I expected.
But I'm having trouble with it.
By 9:30 am I start to hyperventilate. I can't relax. My hands and arms are getting all tingly. I can't stop panting for breath. I call a therapist I've been talking to about work-related stress and marriage problems. He recommends getting out of the building and getting something to eat.
But I can't leave -- there's too much work to do. I can't push it off on my co-workers, either -- they're wrapped-up in their own work. I try eating. It doesn't help. I try organizing a long schedule of events for a quickly-approaching town festival, the one thing that MUST be on the next front page. But I can't focus. I can't MAKE it make sense. I can't even get the list of happenings typed.
I drink some water. I try to walk around a little, but my legs are all wobbly. My arms are going numb. My heart is racing. And I can't slow down my breathing.
I call my therapist back. He ORDERS me to get out of the building. But it's too late.
At noon, I ask our receptionist if she could do me a favor and call my wife. And an ambulance. I can't seem to do it myself. I can't breathe. I can't get enough air. For some reason it seems like there will be more air on the floor, so I go there.
By 12:15 I'm stretched out on my back on the office floor, still hyperventilating. My arms are numb, my hands locked into fists. My legs are cramping and folding up. I moan for someone to help me, but nobody will even come talk to me.
At the edge of my vision, I can see the head of the reporter I just hired, standing nearby, watching, but she won't get closer. I'm scaring her. I'm scaring myself. I can hear phones ringing and people talking and Monday going on, but I'm stuck on the floor alone and I can't move. I'm left to gasp and flop like a fish. I'm helpless.
Finally an EMT appears & I try to tell her what's wrong. Another EMT appears, they put me on a gurney & I'm wheeled outside into an ambulance. I notice vaguely that a crowd has gathered. My co-workers are calling my name and telling me to hang in there. My wife has appeared and says she'll follow me to the hospital.
In the ambulance, the EMTs give me SOMETHING & try to determine if I'm having a heart attack. I'm SURE that's what's happening. I'm convinced that I'm gonna die, 2 days after my 40th birthday.
In the emergency room, they run tests & try to bring my breathing under control. They have to teach me how to breathe again. It takes awhile.
When I'm stable, they admit me to the hospital & put me in the cardiac critical care unit til they determine if I've had a heart attack. It looks like I'm gonna be there for awhile.
My wife appears, and we cry all over each other. We both note the timing of this "attack," & without trying 2 make Too Big A Deal out of it, we both wonder if I've been pushing things too hard & if somebody's trying to send me A Message.
She stays for awhile, then has to leave to go check on the kids. She sez she'll bring me back something to read in case I'm stuck here overnight.
And as soon as she leaves, I'm overcome by the most intense feelings of RELIEF that I've possibly ever felt -- as if this bed, in this place, is EXACTLY where I wanted to be, exactly where I was headed from the moment I woke up this morning. It's safe & quiet here. And someone else is gonna havta run the newspaper for me.
And then I cry like a baby.
Eventually, 1 of the ER docs comes in & tells me I DIDN'T have a heart attack -- I had an anxiety attack. A nurse tells me they can prescribe some anti-anxiety meds, but they won't solve my problem -- that my problem is whatever's kicking around in my head.
Then they release me.
I take a day off to think it over, then go to work on Weds & resign as the editor. But I offer to work as a full-time reporter to make up for it. This is a mistake, but I was always happier writing full-time anyway.
I try the anti-anxiety meds, & once I get used to the "zombie effect," they're not bad -- I feel like me with all the stress removed. It's sorta enjoyable.
But the stress continues -- there's just as much, if not more, with reporting full-time. & I knew that. But this is my 1st step in moving away from my 20-year career in journalism. & it takes me 2 more years to give up & get out of it entirely.
Don't let this happen to you. If you're in a high-stress job that overworks you to the point of breakdown, get away from it. Figure out some other way to pay your bills. Don't give your life to a career where nobody keeps score. Because the things you'll lose are things you might never get back -- spouse, children, possibly your health, maybe your life. It ain't worth it.
I was stupid. Looking back, I wish I hadn't sold myself so cheap. & I wish I'd known I was living The Good Life while I was IN it....
Showing posts with label Not having a life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Not having a life. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
More music, less motto
...Yeah, well, I'd liketa blog more often, but.
I've bn sick 4 the last week, fighting some kinda cold/flu/upper-respiratory THING that won't go away. I'm coughing-up a lung right now -- Xcuse me while I wipe off the screen....
Just when I think it's gone, ... it comes back.
This cold/whatever is apparently connected 2 the wild swings in temperature & weather around here lately: low-90s & sunny 10 days ago, 50's & raining a day later -- & continuing that way 4 the next week....
Haven't played NE music in weeks, other than at work. Most days have bn 2 tired 2 get 2 it B4 work -- & 4 the past week my roommate has been home 24/7 fighting-off his OWN cold/flu/upper-respiratory whatever, in his case made worse by his downing a dozen beers per nite & smoking 2 packs of cigs per day. He sez whatever he's got it's not catching -- he's bn 2 a doctor. So my problems R my own damn fault. NEway, no point trying 2 play music while he's home, cos I'd never hear it over his TV.
Am I whining? Fine, I'm whining.
Other than that, everything's about the same.
I'll try 2 get back 2 the music soon, actually have a few new things up my sleeve.... SUPERNATURAL FAIRY TALES, WONDEROUS STORIES, The Fifth Dimension's SECRET GARDEN, & the SMILE SESSIONS highlights coming in Nov....
Continuing my love-hate relationship with local radio, which I listen 2 every nite while I'm at work. They think a lot of themselves -- it shows in their on-air mottoes:
* "The best mix of everything." Uh, well no.
* "It's DIFFERENT here." Well, it's not diffrent ENOUGH.
* "Seattle's ONLY Classic Rock station." Yeah, & with your playlist it's EZ 2 C why that is....
* "We play ONLY the hits of the '60s & '70s!" ...& a few lame '80s hits slip in when we get forgetful or lazy....
* "We play what we want." 2 bad it's mostly what everybody ELSE wants 2 play, 2....
This past Sun nite all the overplayed "greats" were on the air: "Smoke on the Water," "Stairway to Heaven," "Sweet Home Alabama," "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," "Layla," "Hotel California," "Band on the Run," "Slow Ride," "Heartache Tonight," "Life in the Fast Lane," "One of These Nights".... It was stunning.
At least 1nce they threw in something slightly unXpected, Deep Purple's "Hush" -- but I don't remember NEthing else that suprised me.
Even Little Steven was playing a lotta familiar stuff on the "Underground Garage." But at least he threw-in The Launderettes' "Red River" & The Smithereens' "Sorry" -- & there was a nice birthday tribute 2 Joan Jett. I've only recently realized that her "I Hate Myself for Loving You" is a pretty great piece of no-frills rock&roll. & I liked a few of the back-up trax on her I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL album, especially "Nag" & "Be Straight" & mayB a coupla others I can't remember now....
Hope y'all R healthier than I am. More soon....
I've bn sick 4 the last week, fighting some kinda cold/flu/upper-respiratory THING that won't go away. I'm coughing-up a lung right now -- Xcuse me while I wipe off the screen....
Just when I think it's gone, ... it comes back.
This cold/whatever is apparently connected 2 the wild swings in temperature & weather around here lately: low-90s & sunny 10 days ago, 50's & raining a day later -- & continuing that way 4 the next week....
Haven't played NE music in weeks, other than at work. Most days have bn 2 tired 2 get 2 it B4 work -- & 4 the past week my roommate has been home 24/7 fighting-off his OWN cold/flu/upper-respiratory whatever, in his case made worse by his downing a dozen beers per nite & smoking 2 packs of cigs per day. He sez whatever he's got it's not catching -- he's bn 2 a doctor. So my problems R my own damn fault. NEway, no point trying 2 play music while he's home, cos I'd never hear it over his TV.
Am I whining? Fine, I'm whining.
Other than that, everything's about the same.
I'll try 2 get back 2 the music soon, actually have a few new things up my sleeve.... SUPERNATURAL FAIRY TALES, WONDEROUS STORIES, The Fifth Dimension's SECRET GARDEN, & the SMILE SESSIONS highlights coming in Nov....
Continuing my love-hate relationship with local radio, which I listen 2 every nite while I'm at work. They think a lot of themselves -- it shows in their on-air mottoes:
* "The best mix of everything." Uh, well no.
* "It's DIFFERENT here." Well, it's not diffrent ENOUGH.
* "Seattle's ONLY Classic Rock station." Yeah, & with your playlist it's EZ 2 C why that is....
* "We play ONLY the hits of the '60s & '70s!" ...& a few lame '80s hits slip in when we get forgetful or lazy....
* "We play what we want." 2 bad it's mostly what everybody ELSE wants 2 play, 2....
This past Sun nite all the overplayed "greats" were on the air: "Smoke on the Water," "Stairway to Heaven," "Sweet Home Alabama," "Don't Go Breakin' My Heart," "Someone Saved My Life Tonight," "Layla," "Hotel California," "Band on the Run," "Slow Ride," "Heartache Tonight," "Life in the Fast Lane," "One of These Nights".... It was stunning.
At least 1nce they threw in something slightly unXpected, Deep Purple's "Hush" -- but I don't remember NEthing else that suprised me.
Even Little Steven was playing a lotta familiar stuff on the "Underground Garage." But at least he threw-in The Launderettes' "Red River" & The Smithereens' "Sorry" -- & there was a nice birthday tribute 2 Joan Jett. I've only recently realized that her "I Hate Myself for Loving You" is a pretty great piece of no-frills rock&roll. & I liked a few of the back-up trax on her I LOVE ROCK AND ROLL album, especially "Nag" & "Be Straight" & mayB a coupla others I can't remember now....
Hope y'all R healthier than I am. More soon....
Friday, November 13, 2009
Bloggers Anonymous
I useta B a books & music addict. Now I'm an Internet addict.
I'm addicted 2 music- & book-review blogs & websites. It's 2 bad that I haven't found that many of them. But there's about 1/2-a-dozen that I check-in w/ every day, just 2 C what's going on, C if they've posted NEthing new, C how they're getting thru their day.
If they wanna toss in some personal stuff about how they spent their day or their wknd, what happened 2 them during their last trip down 2 the boozer, or how the job's makin them crazy like usual, that's great 2 -- but mainly what hooks me R their views on music or books.
I wish there were more. I wish more people would Xpress their opinions.
Mosta the music blogs & sites I've stumbled-over just post stuff 2 download. Some of them don't even COMMENT about what they're posting. I just assume if they post it, they must like it or at least think some1 else out there will want 2 hear it.
I've found mayB 3 Dcent book-review sites ever. I know a lotta people still read, but book reviews don't Xactly hook the attn like a chance 2 download the latest track by the newest hot young thing -- B4 radio even gets it! Or mayB some old song U thot everybody 4got about AGES ago....
Ghod knows there's something 4 all tastes out there. There's a few folks around my age who R blogging or running sites, but I wish there were more. Or mayB I just don't share the current bunch's intrests. 1 site, www.laylasclassicrock.blogspot.com/, mainly posts news-briefs about classic rockers. This is cool. & she does post links 2 lotsa other Classic Rock-related sites. But there Rn't NE reviews, so....
Whenever I'm on-line I always check-in at Asleep On the Compost Heap (http://onavery.blogspot.com/) -- it's a daily thing. Not only does Gardenhead have Good Musical Taste, he also writes some very funny stuff, even when he's just recounting his Xperiences while walking the dog at 6 am. Sometimes it's just fun 2 check-in & C what's going on in the village of Kells over in Ireland. + G is a LOT more up-2-date on good new bands than I am....
I WOULD check-in daily at There Will Be Blog (http://adamprincebilly.wordpress.com/), if Adam would get back 2 posting more regularly. He's bn awfully quiet 4 the past month or so.... (There's no law saying we all HAVE 2 write & post every day. Some people write 2 MUCH. & I'm probly 1 of em....)
I've bn checking-in w/ Rastronomicals at http://lahistoriadelamusicarock.blogspot.com/, now that he's come back 2 life recently after taking a vacation. If U haven't checked-out Rastro's work U should do so. I don't always know the music he writes about, but he is always well-in4med & thotful, & some of his write-ups R F'in hilarious....
I check-in 1nce every wk or so at Mark Prindle's record-review site (http://www.markprindle.com/), 2 read his "What's New?" & C what outrageous new reviews of Hot New Bands The Kids Dig he's posted recently. Mark is the illegitimate father of mosta us weirdos who try 2 review music on-line, his website is HUGE (100's of artists reviewed, interviews 2), & I've got a few silly comments scattered here & there, the 1st I ever submitted NEwhere on-line (over 10 yrs ago)....
I also check-in every coupla days at RS Crabb's MySpace blog (http://blogs.myspace.com/townedger) 2 C what this wk's Crabb Top 10 includes, or 2 C what Crabby's ranting & raving about as he works his way thru another day out there in Iowa. Could U imagine? I grew-up in Idaho & the last time I was back there it was STILL a cultural wasteland. Not sure I could handle Iowa. I spent a lifetime during 6 yrs in Wyoming....
About the best active book-review site I know-of right now is the blog at Bookslut (http://www.bookslut.com/blog/). They update daily, they're hilarious, I love their Attitude & their punchy/edgy humor. & if there's a hilarious controversy somewhere in publishing, they'll point U toward it....
U may have noticed that none of these sites R Xactly CNN. After 20 yrs of Bing a reporter, at times I think "Who needs the Real World?" Most days a good music- or book-review site (or even a personal blog) can tell me everything I needta know. Or even stuff I didn't know I needed 2 know .... (?)
...I'm still looking 4 more. There R other review-sites I visit now & then (I wrote-up a TON of them at my old website, TAD's Weird-Ass Music and Books), but once I read thru their back-catalog stuff I get impatient 4 their new stuff....
I don't ask 4 much. All I want is a website/blog that'll point me toward great music old & new, great overlooked reading of all kinds, add some neat personal stuff now & then, make me laff & cry, make & serve my coffee while I lounge here at the computer, & make me feel like I'm connecting w/ some people out there who actually HAVE brains & a sense of humor. I deal w/ enuf of the OTHER kind of people every day....
Sheesh, my OWN blog can't even do all that.
But I'll B working on it. Cos my dirty little secret that U out there have probly already figured-out is that I'd rather write than read or listen....
It's 2 bad this technology wasn't available 20 or 30 yrs ago. My whole life mighta turned-out diffrent. (Course I haven't got10 rich & famous doing this. Yet....)
After 20+ yrs of stressing-out 2 much EVERY SINGLE DAY, I still need some1 2 talk w/, some1 2 pass-on all my useless in4mation 2. & this Cms 2 B the 4mat I've chosen. I ain't done yet....
During the 2 mo's I was cut-off from blogging I felt lost, w/o a purpose or a Mission in Life, adrift, Dpressed. True, I read 1/2 a dozen novels. & I've only read a coupla books since I got back on-line.
This has Bcome so much a part of my life that I've stopped keeping a journal -- it was the same boring stuff over&over NEway. Most of what I'm thinking these days, & practically NEthing the slightest bit "creative," Nds up here.
MayB I'd finish writing that rock-group novel if I wasn't on-line. But I kinda doubt it. & I don't mind. I don't really think it's that much of a loss. MayB this is what I was meant 2 B doing all along. Having something (some formatted writing project) 2 look 4ward-2 keeps me going....
Don't NEbody out there B tryin 2 pull NE Interventions on me -- Bcos I will NOT go 2 Rehab....
(....PS -- Twice this wk I've put new (2 me) music on the CD player 2 B listened-2 & reviewed here, & I got interrupted by my roommates both times. I'll try again 2morrow. & I'll have new music-reviews posted here soon. I promise. No, really. I mean it this time....)
I'm addicted 2 music- & book-review blogs & websites. It's 2 bad that I haven't found that many of them. But there's about 1/2-a-dozen that I check-in w/ every day, just 2 C what's going on, C if they've posted NEthing new, C how they're getting thru their day.
If they wanna toss in some personal stuff about how they spent their day or their wknd, what happened 2 them during their last trip down 2 the boozer, or how the job's makin them crazy like usual, that's great 2 -- but mainly what hooks me R their views on music or books.
I wish there were more. I wish more people would Xpress their opinions.
Mosta the music blogs & sites I've stumbled-over just post stuff 2 download. Some of them don't even COMMENT about what they're posting. I just assume if they post it, they must like it or at least think some1 else out there will want 2 hear it.
I've found mayB 3 Dcent book-review sites ever. I know a lotta people still read, but book reviews don't Xactly hook the attn like a chance 2 download the latest track by the newest hot young thing -- B4 radio even gets it! Or mayB some old song U thot everybody 4got about AGES ago....
Ghod knows there's something 4 all tastes out there. There's a few folks around my age who R blogging or running sites, but I wish there were more. Or mayB I just don't share the current bunch's intrests. 1 site, www.laylasclassicrock.blogspot.com/, mainly posts news-briefs about classic rockers. This is cool. & she does post links 2 lotsa other Classic Rock-related sites. But there Rn't NE reviews, so....
Whenever I'm on-line I always check-in at Asleep On the Compost Heap (http://onavery.blogspot.com/) -- it's a daily thing. Not only does Gardenhead have Good Musical Taste, he also writes some very funny stuff, even when he's just recounting his Xperiences while walking the dog at 6 am. Sometimes it's just fun 2 check-in & C what's going on in the village of Kells over in Ireland. + G is a LOT more up-2-date on good new bands than I am....
I WOULD check-in daily at There Will Be Blog (http://adamprincebilly.wordpress.com/), if Adam would get back 2 posting more regularly. He's bn awfully quiet 4 the past month or so.... (There's no law saying we all HAVE 2 write & post every day. Some people write 2 MUCH. & I'm probly 1 of em....)
I've bn checking-in w/ Rastronomicals at http://lahistoriadelamusicarock.blogspot.com/, now that he's come back 2 life recently after taking a vacation. If U haven't checked-out Rastro's work U should do so. I don't always know the music he writes about, but he is always well-in4med & thotful, & some of his write-ups R F'in hilarious....
I check-in 1nce every wk or so at Mark Prindle's record-review site (http://www.markprindle.com/), 2 read his "What's New?" & C what outrageous new reviews of Hot New Bands The Kids Dig he's posted recently. Mark is the illegitimate father of mosta us weirdos who try 2 review music on-line, his website is HUGE (100's of artists reviewed, interviews 2), & I've got a few silly comments scattered here & there, the 1st I ever submitted NEwhere on-line (over 10 yrs ago)....
I also check-in every coupla days at RS Crabb's MySpace blog (http://blogs.myspace.com/townedger) 2 C what this wk's Crabb Top 10 includes, or 2 C what Crabby's ranting & raving about as he works his way thru another day out there in Iowa. Could U imagine? I grew-up in Idaho & the last time I was back there it was STILL a cultural wasteland. Not sure I could handle Iowa. I spent a lifetime during 6 yrs in Wyoming....
About the best active book-review site I know-of right now is the blog at Bookslut (http://www.bookslut.com/blog/). They update daily, they're hilarious, I love their Attitude & their punchy/edgy humor. & if there's a hilarious controversy somewhere in publishing, they'll point U toward it....
U may have noticed that none of these sites R Xactly CNN. After 20 yrs of Bing a reporter, at times I think "Who needs the Real World?" Most days a good music- or book-review site (or even a personal blog) can tell me everything I needta know. Or even stuff I didn't know I needed 2 know .... (?)
...I'm still looking 4 more. There R other review-sites I visit now & then (I wrote-up a TON of them at my old website, TAD's Weird-Ass Music and Books), but once I read thru their back-catalog stuff I get impatient 4 their new stuff....
I don't ask 4 much. All I want is a website/blog that'll point me toward great music old & new, great overlooked reading of all kinds, add some neat personal stuff now & then, make me laff & cry, make & serve my coffee while I lounge here at the computer, & make me feel like I'm connecting w/ some people out there who actually HAVE brains & a sense of humor. I deal w/ enuf of the OTHER kind of people every day....
Sheesh, my OWN blog can't even do all that.
But I'll B working on it. Cos my dirty little secret that U out there have probly already figured-out is that I'd rather write than read or listen....
It's 2 bad this technology wasn't available 20 or 30 yrs ago. My whole life mighta turned-out diffrent. (Course I haven't got10 rich & famous doing this. Yet....)
After 20+ yrs of stressing-out 2 much EVERY SINGLE DAY, I still need some1 2 talk w/, some1 2 pass-on all my useless in4mation 2. & this Cms 2 B the 4mat I've chosen. I ain't done yet....
During the 2 mo's I was cut-off from blogging I felt lost, w/o a purpose or a Mission in Life, adrift, Dpressed. True, I read 1/2 a dozen novels. & I've only read a coupla books since I got back on-line.
This has Bcome so much a part of my life that I've stopped keeping a journal -- it was the same boring stuff over&over NEway. Most of what I'm thinking these days, & practically NEthing the slightest bit "creative," Nds up here.
MayB I'd finish writing that rock-group novel if I wasn't on-line. But I kinda doubt it. & I don't mind. I don't really think it's that much of a loss. MayB this is what I was meant 2 B doing all along. Having something (some formatted writing project) 2 look 4ward-2 keeps me going....
Don't NEbody out there B tryin 2 pull NE Interventions on me -- Bcos I will NOT go 2 Rehab....
(....PS -- Twice this wk I've put new (2 me) music on the CD player 2 B listened-2 & reviewed here, & I got interrupted by my roommates both times. I'll try again 2morrow. & I'll have new music-reviews posted here soon. I promise. No, really. I mean it this time....)
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