Saturday, May 21, 2011

Blogging 101

All of the following is gonna seem pretty pointless if the world really does end on Saturday evening, but what the hey....

OK, so I have this old friend from highschool -- my highschool sweetheart, in fact -- who was gonna start blogging a year ago. She said she had a great idea 4 a blog that'd revolve around all the weird stuff she's somehow ended up with in her house, & how she ended up with all that weird stuff. She even had a format all set 4 each post. Each post would start out "So I've got this ashtray...." or "So I've got this butter churn...." & then go on from there, describing the items & how she ended up stuck with them. She assured me that some of the stories about how she obtained these items were really hilarious.
She even had a name picked out 4 the blog. She was gonna call it "The Paranormal Garage Sale." & I guess she was even gonna SELL the items if some1 wanted them badly enuf.
I was really looking forward 2 it, so I could rave about it here.
Well, I've been looking ever since, every coupla mo's, & I can't find her blog. Which makes me wonder if she ever started it. Maybe she got involved in something else, like getting her master's degree from Harvard. Or maybe she just thot it was 2 silly an idea. Or maybe she just lacked confidence -- which would be a 1st. She doesn't lack confidence in any other area, & she definitely knows how 2 write.
I started thinking maybe she got scared that people would laff at her & her blog. Which is of course the 1st thing ya gotta get over if yer gonna write 4 the public. OF COURSE they're gonna laff at you -- sooner or later. & probably not when you WANT them 2, either. Most likely it'll B at the worst possible time, like when you're writing about something deep & meaningful & personal. That's how this stuff works.
So then I started thinking: Wouldn't it B great if somebody came up with a list of Do's & Don'ts 4 beginning bloggers? A quick no-holds-barred crash course in what 2 do & not 2 do? There probly is 1 somewhere, but I've never seen 1, so....

(4 quick rules 2 make you the hottest, most popular blogger on the Internet)
* REVEAL ALL -- Your readers R endlessly curious -- nosy, even. They R going 2 want 2 know ALL about you. So hold NOTHING back. Include in your early blog posts your age, gender, marital status, where you live, number of children, sexual preferences, number of partners you've had, EVERYTHING. & B sure 2 include bank account #'s, credit & debit card #'s, EVERYTHING. TOTAL DISCLOSURE should B your motto at all times. Secrecy is 4 secret agents.
* KEEP IT UPBEAT -- People have enuf sadness & stress in their lives already. Why do you think they're surfing the Internet & possibly reading YOUR crap? So keep it light. Comedy is Good. Make fun of current events, the latest Britney Spears hit, or former Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger's marital problems ("Did you see the tits on that bitch? I woulda done her too!"). Latching onto current events also guarantees you'll get more "hits" from web-surfers searching 4 hot cutting-edge content. (That's what visits 2 your blog are called, "hits.") Always remember: Nobody wants to read about your depressing, pathetic little life. They're too busy trying to get away from THEIRS. So keep it light. Or else.
* BE OUTRAGEOUS -- Wanna attract more attention & more readers? Well, nude photos R your best bet. (Especially if you're a woman.) But if you'd really rather just write, make sure your blog goes where no other websites dare. You think President Obama secretly hates white people? Great! Post it!! & B sure 2 put that in the headline -- the better 4 search engines 2 find yer blog & send more readers your way! Osama bin Laden was your Dad? Great! Post it!! Do a short recap about what life was like with "Poppa O" & wait 4 the book deals 2 start rolling in!
* HONESTY? WHO CARES?! -- Really, no one wants 2 read about your pathetic & sad little life. Everybody knows what those R like -- all your readers R busy living it. So get creative. Be brave, be daring, be unusual & diffrent, & BE FUNNY. People love 2 laff, & every1's always looking 4 more stuff 2 laff about. So crank-out the jokes. Find the funny things that happen in your everyday life & those of your friends, & write about them. Or just make it all up. The stuff'll flow out naturally B4 you can stop yourself, & after it does you can sit back & wait 4 the book & movie offers 2 come 2 your door. & they WILL. That's the little secret that bloggers don't tell anybody -- everybody who blogs ends up rich & famous!
This could happen 2 YOU! Don't wait til the Internet is a dated fad of the past like Pong & Hula Hoops, start blogging now! And Good Luck to all you beginning bloggers....

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