Monday, December 16, 2013

#729: Scandalous!

What's news? Depends on where you look. Let's take a brief look at some of today's silliest headlines as the world continues to go crazier....
In the news, President Barack Obama refuses to attend Nelson Mandela's funeral in Mandela's home village in South Africa. During a White House press briefing, Obama said "I dunno ... I never really liked the guy that much anyway...."
In entertainment, Grammy winners Taylor Swift and Adele have agreed to team up on an album of brand-new broken-hearted love songs. The album's due to be completed and released early in the new year. "Might as well just slash your wrists NOW," rock critic says.
In sports, the Seattle Seahawks blow another big game as they lose shamefully to the New Jersey Giants, 63-0 -- a new record in futility for the Seahawks.
At the press conference after the game, cornerback Richard Sherman -- known for his straight-shooting comments to the media -- said about the team's shameful performance: "I dunno ... Maybe we really ARE as lame as everyone says...."
In other sports news, the Seattle Mariners signed yet another unknown ball-player to a multi-year $63-gazillion-dollar contract in another futile effort to bring the team out of perpetual cellar-dweller status. The team's general manager said "We'll sign ANYONE. Money is no object. My checkbook's open. Come on down to Safeco Field and try out...."
In celebrity gossip, Kanye West has offered to pay $5 million for his wedding to Kim Kardashian -- and Kim STILL isn't happy.
"It's not about the MONEY," Kim told the tabloids. "It's just that ... Kanye can be SUCH an asshole...."
In local traffic: According to a new study, the Seattle area continues to have the WORST traffic backups in the country, with some survey respondents reportedly being born, growing old and dying while waiting on I-405 to get from Renton to Bellevue....
In business news, Boeing officials admit that they are looking at moving production of the new 777-XXX "Dreamsleeper" airplane to South Carolina, where costs are lower, salaries are cheaper, and each plane can be built at a shockingly low overall cost to Boeing of just 29 CENTS.
"Sure, they can build it there cheap," said one Boeing machinist. "But let's see how long they can keep it UP...."
He apparently spoke for thousands of machinists, who have been asking the same question about Boeing's CEO....
More coming soon, unfortunately....

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