OK, so I was gonna do this whiny post about how most current music sucks & there's hardly anything good to watch on TV & that maybe the reason why mosta the new movies that come out are either remakes or mindless comedies or wild fantasies or chop-'em-up horror is because Real Life isn't too much fun these days & maybe most of us don't really wanna deal with it anymore....
But to Hell with all that, because The End Of The World is set for this coming Saturday, 21 May 2011, & I think if it really happens it's gonna put all our other little worries way down all of our lists.
So I wouldn't worry too much about the mortgage you can't pay or the bills you can't keep ahead of or the car that needs major repairs you can't afford, or about your failing marriage or your messed-up relationship....
Because The End is at hand. And if I were you, I'd be getting your affairs in order.
This is based on a full-page advertisement that appeared in last weekend's USA TODAY, near the back of the news section. A huge, colorful ad that it was impossible to miss. The headline said something like "JUDGEMENT DAY WILL OCCUR ON SATURDAY, MAY 21, 2011," & the ad went on to explain that the end of the world will start with massive worldwide earthquakes. One can only assume that after those have subsided, Ghod Himself will then come down & pass judgement on your lazy, worthless, sinning ass. & the rest of you, too.
I'd suggest that if you wanna get in good with Ghod, you had better get cracking.
The rest of this ad -- what I can remember of it -- said that all those folks who'd previously warned us that the end of the world was coming at the end of 2012 -- you know, like Nostradamus & the Mayans & Biblical scholars down thru the ages -- they all got their calculations wrong. The Real End is coming more than 18 months ahead of schedule, & woe unto your sorry behind if you haven't been getting your stuff together.
What was the purpose of this ad, you may well ask, other than to cause massive panic among the sinners amongst us? I THINK they were trying to sell you a book that explains how the calculations about the End Times got messed up, & what you need to know B4 those End Times come to pass....
But that can't be it, because if the end is coming on Saturday, the publishers'll barely have time to debit the $39.95 from your bank account, let alone ship you the book, before the ground starts shakin....
...But they were also trying to offer a sorta Public Service Announcement: The ad urged readers to buy multiple copies of the paper & send the ad to elected officials, police chiefs, fire chiefs, emergency-response teams -- so that the public might be alerted & not be caught unaware.
Not that there's anything anyone's gonna be able to do.... Not if the earthquakes are worldwide....
Which leads us therefore unto the Day Of Judgement. & woe unto us.
Don't know about you, but I know where I'll be going. I've tried to be a good person, & I think I AM a good person. But I've lied & broken hearts & betrayed friendships & treated people badly & committed adultery -- & if I could do it all over again tomorrow I'd do it faster & more often, so obviously I didn't learn a goddamned thing. (Sorry, Lord.)
So I know I'm going to burn in Hell.
But I also know that I'll have LOTS of company.
And where will YOU be spending eternity?
Even more important -- who do you suppose paid 4 this full-page ad in USA TODAY, a newspaper with between 1 & 3 million daily readers nationwide, last I heard. I'd assume that a full-page color ad in such a publication likely costs between $5,000 & $10,000 -- pretty serious money to put down on the table if you're not Absolutely Certain that The End Is Near. & USA TODAY took the money....
So if I were you I'd get my things together. There's a bad moon on the rise, as John Fogerty once said. & woe be unto you if you are not ready when the hour is nigh.
I am NOT making this up....
...Of course I don't really BELIEVE the world as we know it is going to end on Saturday. But won't the folks who placed that ad be -- briefly -- awfully smug & self-righteous if it DOES?
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3 comments:
I might do a play by play of the rapture TAD,but since I have to work may have to forgo that ;)
Crabby!: Live-blogging the Rapture, eh? Sounds like a cool idea 2 me. But remember your Scripture: "Yea verily, he who makest fun of the End Times shall be amongst the first to Go...." Let this be a warning unto you.
Semi-seriously, apparently the California preacher who came up with this re-calculation of the Final Days (& his church, which is paying for the ads, which are continuing to appear) claims that only 2 percent of the population will be Taken Up in the Rapture. 2 percent! "And yea verily, the End Times came, and there was not enough room in First Class for everyone...."
The earthquakes are supposed to start at 6 pm Pacific Time on Saturday. I will also be working. But at least I'll have a big front window thru which I can Witness The Destruction.... Should be a good show. If I can make it home, I'll try 2 get my views posted here, as always.
Thanks for commenting. And have you confessed your sins recently?
I've got my suitcase packed...
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