#716: Those weren't the days

Hey, while researching music I might've forgotten over the years for The Record Store Book (which is over 53,000 words now, thanks for asking), I stumbled over a bunch of Godawful stuff I'd forgotten about from Back In The Day, probably because I'd successfully blocked it all out.
About some of this stuff I can only ask: What were we thinking? And by "we," I mean You Out There, because I sure as hell didn't buy any of this crap.
When looking back we all think that the late '70s & early '80s was all fun New Wave and silly Hair Metal bands, but it wasn't. There was a LOT of crap out there -- very successful crap. It was almost as bad as today. (Oh, and I found some good stuff I hadn't thought of in 30 years, too, but we'll get to that in a bit.) First, get a look at this list....
* M -- Pop Muzik. This is the music of the future? Ghod help us all....
* Lipps Inc. -- Funkytown. I admit, the last time I heard this -- unexpectedly, a year or so ago -- it sounded kind of cute. But the reason it sounds cute now is because we're 30+ years past the time when we were bombarded with it twice an hour....
* Olivia Newton-John -- Physical. #1 for 9 weeks! WTF?
* Kenny Rogers -- Coward of the County, Lady, She Believes in Me, You Decorated My Life. Ugh. It was a great few years for Kenny, back then. I thought he actually had one good song, the modest "Love Will Turn You Around." I still think that little instrumental riff right after the choruses was "borrowed" from somewhere, but I've never been able to figure out where....
* ONJ & ELO's XANADU soundtrack. The worst movie ever? There is actually one kinda charming overlooked song here -- ONJ's "Suspended in Time." Believe me, when you're forced to listen to junk like this, you really notice the stuff that sounds promising....
* Air Supply -- Lost in Love, All Out of Love, The One That You Love, Every Woman in the World. I'll admit that "Lost in Love" sounds ... almost OK now, but that big balloon on the cover of their second album was a perfect metaphor: These guys were lighter than air. And their best(?) moments were a few years later, with almost-tolerable stuff like "Sweet Dream" and "Making Love Out of Nothing at All."
* The Knack -- GET THE KNACK, BUT THE LITTLE GIRLS UNDERSTAND....
* Rupert Holmes -- Escape (The Pina Colada Song), Him. Ever notice the similarity to Barry Manilow here? Barry probably wished he could write a song as good as Holmes' overlooked "Nearsighted."
* Rick Springfield -- Jessie's Girl. Whatever. But Rick's version of Sammy Hagar's "I've Done Everything for You" was pretty good....
* Frankie and the Knockouts -- Sweetheart. Boring....
* Pablo Cruise -- PART OF THE GAME. Worst album ever? This will smooth out your ADHD issues in no time....
* Manhattan Transfer -- EXTENSIONS, Boy From New York City, Twilight Zone/Twilight Tone, etc. How 'bout those ManTrans guys dressin' up like future-retro robots from some '30s sci-fi nightmare? But their version of "Birdland" had more life in it than Weather Report's ... if you can TAKE it....
* Devo -- FREEDOM OF CHOICE, Whip It, etc. Is this the future? Thank Ghod it wasn't.
* Kim Carnes -- Bette Davis Eyes. #1 for 2 months! Why?
These are merely the worst offenders....

Oh, the good stuff? Glad you asked....
* The Dickies -- Stuck in a Pagoda with Trisha Toyota. This is hysterical & shoulda been a big hit. The Dickies never did anything slow. & they do a funny sped-up version of "Nights in White Satin," too....
* The Yachts -- Tantamount to Bribery. Ghod, I haven't heard this in 35 years. Clever wordplay atop better-than-average pub rock.
* Nazareth -- Holiday. Why wasn't this a hit?
* Foghat -- Wide Boy. I was never a fan, but why wasn't THIS a hit?
* Flying Lizards -- Money. Hey, if Devo can make the Top 20, why not this clanky, mechanical desecration of a rock&roll classic?
* Hawks -- Let Me In. The only song I remember from their first album. Pretty gorgeous, with a nice long chimey guitar outro....
* Charlie -- Power Cut, Fight Dirty. These were pretty punchy, well-produced, radio-ready songs that never broke through. One of dozens of unlucky acts signed to Arista Records -- which meant they were cut-out within 3 months....
* Surf Punks -- My Beach. Great, quick, cheap laughs. The Ramones go surfing. Funny for 2 minutes. Stretched out over an album it gets boring real quick....
* The Pop -- Go! Great! Simple, loud, crashing! Try and find the album! On Arista, of course....
* Spirit -- My Friend. From JOURNEY TO POTATOLAND, released back when Rhino was a Very Strange Small Label. More life in these 2 minutes than the whole rest of the album....
* Madness -- One Step Beyond.... Love that sax.
* Carly Simon -- We're So Close. This ironic little classic is all I can remember from her SPY album....
* Stevie Wonder -- I Ain't Gonna Stand For It. He's done so much great stuff, some of it's inevitably gonna get lost....
* Heart -- Mistral Wind (live), Sweet Darlin' (live). They've never done an album I can listen to all the way through, and they lost some real memorable riff power when guitarist Roger Fisher left....

Ghod knows there might be more coming soon....