I'm sneaking-up on a yr of posting reviews & rants on-line. It's as compulsive 4 me now as it's ever bn, & possibly moreso. Some of the reasons I write here R obvious: Since at least age 12 I've felt like there's a TON of REALLY GREAT music & books out there that people never Cm 2 notice or 4get way 2 soon. This is my effort 2 push U toward investigating some of that stuff. I remember feeling clearly at age 12 what a shame it was that so much really good music Cmd 2 slip by unnoticed or unremembered -- there Cmd 2 me then something really WRONG with that. It still Cms that way....
More recently I've started 2 feel that there's sevral not-2-obvious reasons why I do this. I know writing here is almost the only thing now that consistently makes me happy, that makes me feel like I'm not wasting what's left of my life. I know writing here helps me stop thinking obsessively about the things that bother me most -- my son who suddenly ran away 6 mo's ago & who I still don't know the whereabouts of; my daughter, who's life I've just barely bn a part of over the last 10 yrs (but I keep trying); my mother, who died B4 I could tell her that everything that keeps me going -- writing, music, books, movies -- I owe 2 her, that I woulda bn nothing without her; the love that I repeatedly keep turning away from.
I know I'm a big Drama Queen, that I over-dramatize, I always have. & I can B miserable NEWHERE. These days I prefer 2 B miserable alone, & I don't wanna inflict my sometimes very selfish moods on NE1. Sometimes I feel guilty about this. I have trouble dealing with people in-person sometimes, & when things get crowded or tense I withdraw.
My best friend in highschool 1nce told me that I ALWAYS think things R worse than they REALLY R. I know I still sometimes hype-up impending crises so I can breathe a bigger sigh of relief & relax more 1nce they've passed. I useta B REALLY bad about it -- it sent me 2 the hospital with a panic attack 2 days after my 4oth birthday. I thot it was a heart attack. I thot I was gonna die.
I've lightened-up quite a bit since then. A little bit of counseling helped address my perfectionist 10dencies & my anxiety -- but it reached a point of diminishing returns: my therapist clearly felt I wasn't screwed-up enuf 2 go NE further. I was basically pretty normal.
Since then, I've tossed mosta my perfectionism over the side (tho I'm still trying 2 "fix" the world by pushing what I think is great 4got10 art upon U all), & I am WAY less stressed-out these days. But I still need a lotta quiet time 2 myself, & I can still get pretty unhappy thru no1's fault but my own. I know I feel better when the sun is out --perfect that I should live in Washington where it can rain 4 6 mo's straight. But I know that I'm tired & grumpy & burned-out, that I feel like I died when I wake-up most days, & that each winter gets harder 2 get thru. I already feel like I'm shutting-down early 4 THIS winter.
Writing is the only thing that has never failed me. I sometimes get bored talking 2 myself in a journal, but blogging sure hasn't got10 boring yet. In fact, after my old computer died & I moped around 4 a few wks, I then made a pretty strong effort & spent $$$ I didn't really have so I could get back on-line. That's how strong the compulsion is.
It means a lot 2 me that those of U who R out there R reading this. I no longer worry about WHAT AM I GONNA WRITE ABOUT NEXT? There's always something else that will grab me musically & literarily, & if all else fails I've got this LIST....
(It's a sidelite, but my favorite book critic Algis Budrys 1nce wrote that a really successful piece of writing is usually the sign of some troublesome struggle or growth process inside the writer. I sometimes Cm 2 4get that art comes from PEOPLE -- that a song or a story wouldn't Xist without some1 making it happen, having the will 2 create & complete it, & that someday I'm gonna havta B happy with The Thing Itself, the finished work, Bcos there may B nothing more the artist can tell me. If Van Morrison could Xplain his great songs, he wouldn't have had 2 write & sing them. & if I could build my musical library 2 include everything I remember hearing & Bing Nchanted by back in 1972, I STILL probly wouldn't B happy. But that won't stop me from trying....)
This'll probly B the last 1 of these soul-searching posts I do 4 awhile -- it's bn awhile since the last 1. I promise I'll get back 2 my Main Topics real quick-like. But along with Bing the way I deal with the world, this is about the only thing I look 4ward 2 these days, the only thing that makes me feel like I've accomplished something, that mayB I'm not done yet -- written in the 1 place in the world where I feel totally relaxed & safe & At Home. My room.
I'm doing the best I can. Thanx 4 listening.