Late August, 1999. Two days after my 40th birthday. After taking my first week off from work in 3 years, by 8:30 am Monday I'm back at my desk, trying to pull-together the next issue of the small weekly newspaper I've been editing since May.
It's an absolutely normal Monday. There's a lot of work to do, a big pile of paperwork in front of me, & nobody did much to prepare for the next issue while I was gone. But I've been working 50+ hours a week since May, so I'm getting used to it. Everything is going exactly as I expected.
But I'm having trouble with it.
By 9:30 am I start to hyperventilate. I can't relax. My hands and arms are getting all tingly. I can't stop panting for breath. I call a therapist I've been talking to about work-related stress and marriage problems. He recommends getting out of the building and getting something to eat.
But I can't leave -- there's too much work to do. I can't push it off on my co-workers, either -- they're wrapped-up in their own work. I try eating. It doesn't help. I try organizing a long schedule of events for a quickly-approaching town festival, the one thing that MUST be on the next front page. But I can't focus. I can't MAKE it make sense. I can't even get the list of happenings typed.
I drink some water. I try to walk around a little, but my legs are all wobbly. My arms are going numb. My heart is racing. And I can't slow down my breathing.
I call my therapist back. He ORDERS me to get out of the building. But it's too late.
At noon, I ask our receptionist if she could do me a favor and call my wife. And an ambulance. I can't seem to do it myself. I can't breathe. I can't get enough air. For some reason it seems like there will be more air on the floor, so I go there.
By 12:15 I'm stretched out on my back on the office floor, still hyperventilating. My arms are numb, my hands locked into fists. My legs are cramping and folding up. I moan for someone to help me, but nobody will even come talk to me.
At the edge of my vision, I can see the head of the reporter I just hired, standing nearby, watching, but she won't get closer. I'm scaring her. I'm scaring myself. I can hear phones ringing and people talking and Monday going on, but I'm stuck on the floor alone and I can't move. I'm left to gasp and flop like a fish. I'm helpless.
Finally an EMT appears & I try to tell her what's wrong. Another EMT appears, they put me on a gurney & I'm wheeled outside into an ambulance. I notice vaguely that a crowd has gathered. My co-workers are calling my name and telling me to hang in there. My wife has appeared and says she'll follow me to the hospital.
In the ambulance, the EMTs give me SOMETHING & try to determine if I'm having a heart attack. I'm SURE that's what's happening. I'm convinced that I'm gonna die, 2 days after my 40th birthday.
In the emergency room, they run tests & try to bring my breathing under control. They have to teach me how to breathe again. It takes awhile.
When I'm stable, they admit me to the hospital & put me in the cardiac critical care unit til they determine if I've had a heart attack. It looks like I'm gonna be there for awhile.
My wife appears, and we cry all over each other. We both note the timing of this "attack," & without trying 2 make Too Big A Deal out of it, we both wonder if I've been pushing things too hard & if somebody's trying to send me A Message.
She stays for awhile, then has to leave to go check on the kids. She sez she'll bring me back something to read in case I'm stuck here overnight.
And as soon as she leaves, I'm overcome by the most intense feelings of RELIEF that I've possibly ever felt -- as if this bed, in this place, is EXACTLY where I wanted to be, exactly where I was headed from the moment I woke up this morning. It's safe & quiet here. And someone else is gonna havta run the newspaper for me.
And then I cry like a baby.
Eventually, 1 of the ER docs comes in & tells me I DIDN'T have a heart attack -- I had an anxiety attack. A nurse tells me they can prescribe some anti-anxiety meds, but they won't solve my problem -- that my problem is whatever's kicking around in my head.
Then they release me.
I take a day off to think it over, then go to work on Weds & resign as the editor. But I offer to work as a full-time reporter to make up for it. This is a mistake, but I was always happier writing full-time anyway.
I try the anti-anxiety meds, & once I get used to the "zombie effect," they're not bad -- I feel like me with all the stress removed. It's sorta enjoyable.
But the stress continues -- there's just as much, if not more, with reporting full-time. & I knew that. But this is my 1st step in moving away from my 20-year career in journalism. & it takes me 2 more years to give up & get out of it entirely.
Don't let this happen to you. If you're in a high-stress job that overworks you to the point of breakdown, get away from it. Figure out some other way to pay your bills. Don't give your life to a career where nobody keeps score. Because the things you'll lose are things you might never get back -- spouse, children, possibly your health, maybe your life. It ain't worth it.
I was stupid. Looking back, I wish I hadn't sold myself so cheap. & I wish I'd known I was living The Good Life while I was IN it....
Showing posts with label getting older. Show all posts
Showing posts with label getting older. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Roommates....
OK, I'm gonna B ranting & raving & bitching here 4 awhile (as usual), so if U wanna change channels right now I don't blame you.... YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
So I have this roommate, J, who I've shared a house with 4 the past 3-1/2 yrs. It's HIS house. I just rent a room here.
I always pay my rent on time, I clean up after myself, I wash the dishes & throw out the trash & mow the lawn & pick-up the mail. A few times a year I try 2 cook something without poisoning us. When $$$ gets tight I sometimes find a way 2 cough up some Xtra cash. When the washer died, my income-tax return bought a new 1. When the lawnmower died, my tax return bought a new 1. When I KILLED the lawnmower awhile back, I paid 4 the repairs. But J never seems 2 remember this.
I don't play my strange music 2 loud (& never when J's at home) & I don't make much noise mosta the time. I'm not a real social person. I read & write & play my strange music & go 2 work, & if I can B left alone with what personal time I have left, that suits me just fine.
I know I'm grumpy & moody, that I can B a challenge 2 live with. I've bn like this mosta my life. I'm probly not gonna change much now.
J's a good guy & his heart's in the right place. He's gone a long way out 4 me, more than 1nce. If I have car troubles, he can usually fix them. Awhile back when I managed 2 boil-over the car radiator & kill the car's battery at the same time, J bought me a new battery & a new thermostat. & I paid him back in full the next time I got paid.
...But he drinks. A lot. & when he does, some pretty freakin' ugly things come out of his mouth.
J thinks he doesn't drink that much. He thinks he's cut back. He only drinks 3 or 4 18-packs a week, now. & he wonders why no women will go out with him. If they heard what he sez about them when he's drunk, they'd never get NEAR him.
If anybody wants anything from J, money or a favor, all they needta do is wait & ask him when he's drunk -- they won't havta wait long, & he'll give in every time. (He was drunk when I asked 2 borrow the $$$ 4 a new computer a coupla yrs back -- I'm no saint, either. I know how things work....) He'll especially give in if the person asking 4 the favor is a woman -- he'll do almost anything 4 a little attention.
J has 1 DWI conviction on his record -- & he knows if he ever gets another he'll lose his job. But that doesn't keep him from driving 2 the store when he's had a few. If he's drunk enuf, he'll blow $300 at the grocery store, or more at Wal-Mart. It's happened more than 1nce.
The worst part, 4 me, is that he's LONELY -- & that gets worse if he's been drinking. The 1st coupla yrs I lived here, I can't remember how many times we were up til 4 am just TALKING -- J usedta B able 2 do LONG monologues about how much his job sucked, & he'd never let the audience get a word in -- he just needed 2 get the frustration out, no matter how long it took. 1 time when he was REALLY shitfaced he told me the same story about work 3 times within 10 mins....
When he's had a few, he likes 2 turn on CNN, turn it up & start solving the world's problems. Sometimes he has some really good ideas, 2. But it depends on how much he's had 2 drink. Sometimes he'll feel sorry 4 all the hungry, homeless people Out There -- & a few mins later he'll B absolutely SURE that each 1 of those hungry, homeless people R sucking up his tax dollars -- why don't they just get a freakin' JOB?! .... I could live with this, but he Bcomes such an expert, such a freaking KNOW-IT-ALL after a few drinks -- he knows everything, he's done everything, & I haven't done shit.
Awhile back when I came home from my vacation, the 1st thing outta his mouth (he was shitfaced) was: "What are YOU gonna cook for dinner?!" Then, when he didn't want what I suggested, he said: "I'm sure glad yer back, cos I'm sicka walkin downhill 2 get yer mail...." He said he thot I might not come back from vacation, or that I might come back just long enuf 2 pack my things & move out.... Clearly he was sorta jealous that I went off & hadda good time without him....
Then he suggested we go hit his favorite bar. Trust me, taking me 2 a bar is about as appropriate as me taking J 2 a bookstore or a library -- I've never suggested it. But J won't let the bar thing go, it's always in the back of his mind. He thinks it'll cheer me up. The 1 time we went he blew $140 & then blamed me 4 it.
Leave me alone. That'll cheer me up.
Awhile back we hadda couple other roommates. 1 was a balding wanna-B-biker guy who's favorite phrase was: "Everything's gonna be all right, baby...." He was here 4 a coupla months B4 he fell in love with some1 & moved out. Then we got stuck with 1 of his old girlfriends -- who promised 2 cook & clean & do the dishes in Xchange 4 a break on the rent -- & then never cooked or cleaned. She never paid her rent on time 4 over a year, & I feel like I helped feed her 4 most of that time. Finally she moved out back at the end of Feb. I won't miss her. Not 1 of my favorite people ever.
Recently J has moved 2 a new work shift, so now I see him every day, not just on my days off. 1 of the reasons this arrangement useta work is cos we hardly ever saw each other & I didn't havta deal with what an ugly drunk he can sometimes B. Now I can't avoid him. Is there some kind of law that sez you HAVE 2 converse with the people you live with?
Awhile back, J thot I should try 2 apply 4 a job where he works -- after all the ugly stories I've heard about the place, why would I wanna do THAT? & Bsides, I don't want 2 C my roommate 24/7....
A decade ago, after my divorce & after my X-wife came & took the kids away, I had a huge old 4-bedroom house all to myself.
& I thot the silence was gonna drive me crazy.
Now I'm sure that I'm never going 2 B completely happy until I have my own place & can do what I want, when I want, & not havta worry about stepping on any1 else's toes.
3 more years in Washington will pay all of my major bills, & then it's back 2 Idaho where it's quieter & where at least I've got my family & a coupla old friends I can fall back on.
I'm tired of repressing who I am & what I do, postponing what I want 2 do, & caving-in & doing what a roommate wants 2 do, just 2 keep peace with a roommate.
Who I am & what I do is actually pretty boring, so I don't C why it should B a problem.
If NE of you out there have ever been in this situation -- how'd you put up with it?
...Sorry, this is kinda depressing. I shouldn't bitch. My life ain't so bad. I thot I could get some kinda comedy out of this. ... But I don't think it's gonna happen this time....
So I have this roommate, J, who I've shared a house with 4 the past 3-1/2 yrs. It's HIS house. I just rent a room here.
I always pay my rent on time, I clean up after myself, I wash the dishes & throw out the trash & mow the lawn & pick-up the mail. A few times a year I try 2 cook something without poisoning us. When $$$ gets tight I sometimes find a way 2 cough up some Xtra cash. When the washer died, my income-tax return bought a new 1. When the lawnmower died, my tax return bought a new 1. When I KILLED the lawnmower awhile back, I paid 4 the repairs. But J never seems 2 remember this.
I don't play my strange music 2 loud (& never when J's at home) & I don't make much noise mosta the time. I'm not a real social person. I read & write & play my strange music & go 2 work, & if I can B left alone with what personal time I have left, that suits me just fine.
I know I'm grumpy & moody, that I can B a challenge 2 live with. I've bn like this mosta my life. I'm probly not gonna change much now.
J's a good guy & his heart's in the right place. He's gone a long way out 4 me, more than 1nce. If I have car troubles, he can usually fix them. Awhile back when I managed 2 boil-over the car radiator & kill the car's battery at the same time, J bought me a new battery & a new thermostat. & I paid him back in full the next time I got paid.
...But he drinks. A lot. & when he does, some pretty freakin' ugly things come out of his mouth.
J thinks he doesn't drink that much. He thinks he's cut back. He only drinks 3 or 4 18-packs a week, now. & he wonders why no women will go out with him. If they heard what he sez about them when he's drunk, they'd never get NEAR him.
If anybody wants anything from J, money or a favor, all they needta do is wait & ask him when he's drunk -- they won't havta wait long, & he'll give in every time. (He was drunk when I asked 2 borrow the $$$ 4 a new computer a coupla yrs back -- I'm no saint, either. I know how things work....) He'll especially give in if the person asking 4 the favor is a woman -- he'll do almost anything 4 a little attention.
J has 1 DWI conviction on his record -- & he knows if he ever gets another he'll lose his job. But that doesn't keep him from driving 2 the store when he's had a few. If he's drunk enuf, he'll blow $300 at the grocery store, or more at Wal-Mart. It's happened more than 1nce.
The worst part, 4 me, is that he's LONELY -- & that gets worse if he's been drinking. The 1st coupla yrs I lived here, I can't remember how many times we were up til 4 am just TALKING -- J usedta B able 2 do LONG monologues about how much his job sucked, & he'd never let the audience get a word in -- he just needed 2 get the frustration out, no matter how long it took. 1 time when he was REALLY shitfaced he told me the same story about work 3 times within 10 mins....
When he's had a few, he likes 2 turn on CNN, turn it up & start solving the world's problems. Sometimes he has some really good ideas, 2. But it depends on how much he's had 2 drink. Sometimes he'll feel sorry 4 all the hungry, homeless people Out There -- & a few mins later he'll B absolutely SURE that each 1 of those hungry, homeless people R sucking up his tax dollars -- why don't they just get a freakin' JOB?! .... I could live with this, but he Bcomes such an expert, such a freaking KNOW-IT-ALL after a few drinks -- he knows everything, he's done everything, & I haven't done shit.
Awhile back when I came home from my vacation, the 1st thing outta his mouth (he was shitfaced) was: "What are YOU gonna cook for dinner?!" Then, when he didn't want what I suggested, he said: "I'm sure glad yer back, cos I'm sicka walkin downhill 2 get yer mail...." He said he thot I might not come back from vacation, or that I might come back just long enuf 2 pack my things & move out.... Clearly he was sorta jealous that I went off & hadda good time without him....
Then he suggested we go hit his favorite bar. Trust me, taking me 2 a bar is about as appropriate as me taking J 2 a bookstore or a library -- I've never suggested it. But J won't let the bar thing go, it's always in the back of his mind. He thinks it'll cheer me up. The 1 time we went he blew $140 & then blamed me 4 it.
Leave me alone. That'll cheer me up.
Awhile back we hadda couple other roommates. 1 was a balding wanna-B-biker guy who's favorite phrase was: "Everything's gonna be all right, baby...." He was here 4 a coupla months B4 he fell in love with some1 & moved out. Then we got stuck with 1 of his old girlfriends -- who promised 2 cook & clean & do the dishes in Xchange 4 a break on the rent -- & then never cooked or cleaned. She never paid her rent on time 4 over a year, & I feel like I helped feed her 4 most of that time. Finally she moved out back at the end of Feb. I won't miss her. Not 1 of my favorite people ever.
Recently J has moved 2 a new work shift, so now I see him every day, not just on my days off. 1 of the reasons this arrangement useta work is cos we hardly ever saw each other & I didn't havta deal with what an ugly drunk he can sometimes B. Now I can't avoid him. Is there some kind of law that sez you HAVE 2 converse with the people you live with?
Awhile back, J thot I should try 2 apply 4 a job where he works -- after all the ugly stories I've heard about the place, why would I wanna do THAT? & Bsides, I don't want 2 C my roommate 24/7....
A decade ago, after my divorce & after my X-wife came & took the kids away, I had a huge old 4-bedroom house all to myself.
& I thot the silence was gonna drive me crazy.
Now I'm sure that I'm never going 2 B completely happy until I have my own place & can do what I want, when I want, & not havta worry about stepping on any1 else's toes.
3 more years in Washington will pay all of my major bills, & then it's back 2 Idaho where it's quieter & where at least I've got my family & a coupla old friends I can fall back on.
I'm tired of repressing who I am & what I do, postponing what I want 2 do, & caving-in & doing what a roommate wants 2 do, just 2 keep peace with a roommate.
Who I am & what I do is actually pretty boring, so I don't C why it should B a problem.
If NE of you out there have ever been in this situation -- how'd you put up with it?
...Sorry, this is kinda depressing. I shouldn't bitch. My life ain't so bad. I thot I could get some kinda comedy out of this. ... But I don't think it's gonna happen this time....
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