A marriage made in heaven

I have this roommate. My roommate has this girlfriend. Sort of.
Even though money is tight and we can barely feed ourselves and stay ahead of the bills, over the last few months my roommate has let his sort-of girlfriend move into the house, bringing all of her stuff with her, and taking over a bedroom my roommate could have rented-out for at least $300 or $400 per month.
My roommate is not being "a nice guy." He Wants Something from this sort-of relationship. And he's not getting it. She won't sleep with him. She always has some kind of lame excuse.
She doesn't pay rent. She doesn't have a job. She's technically homeless. She gets food-stamp money every month, and spends it at the nearest grocery store ... but she also has five little nieces and nephews that live nearby, and most of the food ends up going to them. And my roommate has to go pick them up when she wants to see them.
When she cooks, it's for the kids. She never cleans up after herself, no matter how big the mess. She won't do dishes.
When she's in the house, she always has the TV blaring -- even when she's asleep. A couple days back she noticed some of the old record albums I have stashed in my room -- Aretha, Al Green, THE MOTOWN STORY. "There's some great old stuff here," she said. "You should play some of it."
"I would," I said, "if you'd ever turn the TV off."
She can be drunk by 11 a.m. She can go through a bottle of wine or vodka in a day, easy -- and start looking around for more. And when she gets a good buzz on, she won't shut up.
When she's really hungover, she spends all day in her room and never makes a sound.
She sometimes creeps around the house like a drug addict, sneaking in and out so no one can ever tell when she leaves or returns. Sometimes she leaves the TV turned up to cover the sound of her sneaking out. Sometimes she leaves just before my roommate gets home from work -- maybe so she won't have to deal with him...?
She's stolen money from my roommate three times. Last winter, a $1,000 electrical generator was stolen out of the back yard when she was the only person in the house -- she claims she never heard a thing. For awhile, I was constantly carrying my laptop and checkbook with me, because I don't trust her. I'm still carrying the laptop -- it's too easy to grab and go pawn-off.
My roommate has threatened to leave all of her stuff out on the front porch, has threatened to haul all her belongings to the dump. He wants her to go back to school, get her GED, go to college.
She'd rather stay home, get drunk, and stare at the TV.
My roommate drinks too, and when they're both drunk, it's something to see. She'll call his name every few minutes about something, and he'll snap at her. When he's REALLY hammered he calls her every name in the book. They can sit on the couch for hours sniping at each other.
She's never around on weekends, because she's out partying with someone else, people we don't know about and have never met.
She's young enough to be his daughter.
What I want to know is What does he get from this "relationship."
When he's drunk, my roommate can talk for HOURS about all the people in his life who have screwed him -- from his parents and his family to his co-workers to his roommates. EVERYBODY'S out to screw him over.
And he must have a real martyr complex, because he's setting himself up to be screwed again.
When I ask what he gets from her, all he says is "It's better than being alone."
No. There are lots of things that are worse than being alone. One of them is being stuck with someone who doesn't love you, doesn't care about you, doesn't respect you.
I've told my roommate he's being used, and he just blows it off. He's in denial. Unless he's really drunk, and then it comes out in the ugliest possible ways. He knows what's going on....
When they get after each other, I usually go hide in my room and try to ignore them. Sometimes it's like they want me there to play referee. I won't do it. They argue anyway, and sometimes I don't get much sleep.
But there's been no violence, so far. Lots of yelling and abuse, but no violence.
Everybody has issues, but Jesus. After seeing these two go at it, I'm surprised anyone ever gets close to anybody, anymore. Do they think this crap is "Normal"?
What do women want? What do men want?
It's hard enough trying to figure out what I want.

#661: Dating After 50 (Part 2)

OK, to recap....
The Fast One was a REALLY great kisser. But she was Crazy -- & Not in a Good Way. & the main reasons she seemed to want a guy around were for money & emotional support.
The Slow One was a nice person, but there was a lot of Mystery workin' there. One Winter night she actually called ME at work, which she NEVER did, & said -- out of the blue -- that she'd "really love to have a warm body to cuddle up with on these cold nights."
Bing-bing-BING! I gently offered to come right over after I closed the store ... but she said she didn't want that. I never really figured out what she DID want....
The 28-year-old disappeared after she came into the store one busy night & I wasn't absolutely overjoyed to see her. Besides, she had guys Her Own Age to chase after. Before that, she'd started showing me pictures of them that they'd sent to her cellphone....
Somewhere in the middle of this, an old friend kept popping up unexpectedly. She was also Just My Type, & a little closer to My Age, just passing 40. I thought she was gorgeous, & a lot of fun to talk with.
& even though her daughter's birthday inspired from me the first piece of comedy-fiction I'd written in YEARS as a birthday present -- they read it & laughed 'til they cried -- even that wasn't enough to win her over.
She finally told me very gently that -- even though she liked me -- I was WAY down her list of eligible men.
After these failures, I backed off for a bit. Like, 2 years. I started wondering if there was something wrong with me, if I expected too much, if I was misreading women. I'm famous for over-reacting, getting things wrong, making Something out of Nothing.
So I cooled off for awhile, gave up, kept to myself -- read & listened to music & wrote on this blog, & felt fairly happy. I thought I was doing OK. Maybe I was a little lonely sometimes, but I got to the point where I didn't obsess about it. In fact, I tried not to think about it at all. I thought My Life Was Good.
Maybe I was wrong. My roommate -- who had to put up with me through this -- told me at one point that I was being "insufferable." & that's a big word for him.
So I got brave, looked at my bank account, & took the plunge. I joined Match.com.
It was a fun experience, & a real eye-opener. I was only on Match for 2 months -- long enough to get WAY cynical about it. Even got a blog post out of it -- look up "2 months on Match.com!", it's worth the trouble, lotsa laughs.
I was on long enough that my Match profile/bio turned into a satire of all the women's bios I'd been reading -- poking fun at the laundry-list of requirements they had for a guy. Sure, I wanted a financially-secure, romantic, emotionally-stable, passionate mate who enjoyed long romantic walks on a moonlit beach -- who wouldn't want THAT? But the Reality was....
I was in my last couple weeks on Match when a woman walked into my work & introduced herself -- as I'd urged brave women to do in my bio, because I thought I came across better in person than in a photo.
Problem was, I didn't know who she was. Match had sent my bio to her, but I hadn't seen her profile.
She got all embarrassed -- but I told her not to be, that it was All Good & maybe we'd talk more....
I went home that night & checked Match & there she was. We e-mailed each other, & agreed to meet for coffee & talk. We met again for coffee a couple nights later, then agreed to have a picnic on my next day off -- pretty brave planning for Western Washington in the Spring.
& we've been together pretty-much ever since. That's been over a year, now.
At first it was nice just having someone new to talk with. Then it became obvious that we were very much alike in our interests & temperaments & OCD-ness. ...& then we started finishing each other's sentences. & calling each other at the same time. & making each other laugh 'til we cry. & all that other gooshy stuff that happens when you start Falling for someone.
We're very comfortable with each other, & at my age that means a lot. It hasn't been perfect, exactly. We've both got weird work schedules, & we're both a bit of a challenge to live with. There have been a couple bumpy spots along the way, but not as many as I'd expected, & nothing really Major. Mainly, I think, because the new girlfriend is a grown-up. She's very steady. That makes a big difference.
This could happen to you, too. Don't give up.
But watch out for the Crazies....

#660: Dating After 50 (Part 1)

It's a jungle out there.
After the end of my last long-term Relationship (10 years), I was actually kind of excited about meeting somebody new. But I didn't realize how weird things had gotten since the last time I went out on a date.
I went through 5 years of scaring women off, meeting & going out with women who were Obviously Wrong for me, even joining a dating website before I finally met someone who was Right for me -- by accident. & so far we've been together for over a year.
Once I became Available again, I made two obvious mistakes: I was a little too obvious & desperate. & I asked out just about any woman who seemed even mildly interested.
This led to 3 women in a row saying yes, they'd go out with me -- & then they vanished, never to be seen or heard from again. I got the message. I didn't like scaring women off, so I then became perhaps overly cautious.
Which led to me going on dates with one woman who was way too SLOW for me ... & another who was way too FAST. WAY too fast.
The Fast One was an impulse, A Date Of Opportunity, because I realized it had been too long since I'd actually said the words "Do you want to go out?" & she'd just broken up with her boyfriend, so she was easy pickins. But I paid for it....
"So, what's up?" I asked. "Oh," she said, "I just got done kickin' my old boyfriend to the curb." "Well, you need to go out with ME, then!" DONE!
We went out a couple times for a midnight snack, & she always left abruptly, as if she was scared of being followed. Nothing happened. Wasn't sure I WANTED anything to. She seemed a little crazy. Maybe more than a little. So I wrote her off.
Months later, she showed up at my job just as I was closing up. As I locked the front door, she ran up and kissed me on the cheek. "I want to go out with you RIGHT NOW," she said in a breathless rush. "I want you to drive MY car -- & you're gonna Get Lucky tonight 'cos I'm not wearing ANY PANTIES!"
Uh ... Oh ... Kay....
Survived that. But I learned what the game was pretty quick, because she'd only show up out of the blue, without any warning, whenever she needed emotional support or gas money to go see her son in Seattle. Eventually she just drifted away. Thank Ghod.
The Slow One was a couple years older than me, had been alone for 5 years, & said she'd gotten used to men not noticing her. She told me up-front she wanted me "to do all the work" -- call her, figure out things for us to do together, do all the driving, etc. We agreed to get together to check-out second-hand stores, have coffee, maybe go to a movie now & then. We agreed we'd be friends, not rush.
We went out a few times, had some laughs, were pretty relaxed with each other -- but after 3 months of seeing each other every couple weeks we had maybe gently pressed our lips together twice. Things were moving very slowly. We weren't learning much about each other. The conversation dragged. There was a LOT that wasn't being said.
& she wouldn't return phonecalls. After 9 p.m. she wouldn't even ANSWER her phone.
The End came when she got us movie matinee passes & I asked if she wanted me to put my arm around her in case the movie got scary.
"You just keep your arm to yourself," she said. Boom.
Then she COMPLETELY stopped answering her phone.
Too bad. She was a nice person, even if she was a little ... slow ....
There was a 28-year-old I met at work & went out with a couple times. She was My Type -- long dark hair, a few extra pounds in the right places, & she went on&ON about how she LOVED to come into the store when I was working. So I asked her out. I figured she was being pretty obvious.
I didn't realize how young she was until we were out drinking coffee & trying to cover the basics. Then I learned she was almost young enough to be my daughter.
I was uneasy, but kind of flattered because I thought she was HOT -- & very open in her conversation, which was also attractive.
But I noticed that as we sat there talking in the cafe, she looked at EVERY GUY who walked by, & that's when it hit me:
She was just Passing Time with The Old Guy until The Right Guy came along. Once that was clear to me, she wasn't so hot anymore.

(To Be Continued....)

#593: An obituary

This is an obituary 4 an old friend of mine, my best friend, Don Vincent. Punch his name in2 that "search this site" search-engine up there on the left & you'll find I've written a lot about him here, back when I was doing lotsa nostalgia pieces. There's at least 10 posts he's mentioned in, not even including the 1/2-dozen installments of that abandoned rock&roll novel I tried serializing here -- in which he was disguised as "Don."
My old buddy, 1 of the 2 or 3 closest friends I've ever had, died on Sept. 5. Apparently he had a heart attack early that morning & his body was discovered by his son later in the day. Don was just a month short of his 54th birthday.
I just learned about his death tonight, thanx 2 the Internet. Don & I used 2 joke that we both drank WAY too much coffee, but I sure never saw this coming.
I've gone on at great length here before about how Don & I became friends partly thanx 2 Strange Music -- about how back in the days of cheap bargain-bin vinyl he would take the wildest chances on the weirdest stuff & always get something listenable out of it. He was the only other "serious" writer I knew back in the day, & he always pushed me 2 write more, work harder, not get lazy, keep pushing my imagination.
He wrote some great visionary short stories that I thot were far better than anything I'd ever do -- & some of them got published, tho I'm not sure how many. Seems like they always got printed in tiny magazines where basically nobody ever saw them. I knew, & told him many times, that he was a way better writer than me, that he had a way wilder, more visionary imagination.
He wanted 2 write fantasy novels. Back in the dead days of the late '70s & early '80s, long before the LORD OF THE RINGS movies or TV series like GAME OF THRONES, Don had plans 2 write a 7-volume fantasy epic called RAINBOW -- each book cover in the series would be a diffrent color. He drew up his own map 4 it -- always the 1st thing you do when you're dealing with imaginary lands. I know he got the books started, tho I don't know how far he went. I DO know that the images from some of his short stories would have made 4 some great, vivid fantasy illustrations.
He also wrote at least a 1st draft of a novel about a hit-man who gets hired 2 assassinate God -- a story idea actually used somewhat later in a novel: Victor Koman's THE JEHOVAH CONTRACT. Don always had great ideas....
We didn't always see eye to eye, Ghod knows. I thot most fantasy was pointless & badly written. Don could be sarcastic & had no problem saying when he thot I was full of shit -- as he did then.
But we went our own ways & stayed friends. I went off 2 the Air Force & newspapers, Don stayed in Idaho & wrote his fantasy epics at home when he wasn't too tired from his "real job."
At least through 1998, we still talked on the phone at least 1nce a month. After that, I don't know what happened. I moved 2 Washington & got sucked in2 the Worst Newspaper Job Ever, then retired. I remember getting an e-mail when Don joined Facebook, & responded that he didn't strike me as the type who'd wanna B ON Facebook -- Don could B very reclusive. He was even worse than me. But he sent me a follow-up message assuring me that, yes, it really was him....
When I went back home in 2008 when my mother died, I rang Don's phone off the hook trying 2 get him 2 come 2 the funeral, or at least see me. He never answered. I left messages and he never called back. Our good old friend Jeff Mann -- who shared an apartment with us back in the day & who's also been mentioned here a few dozen times -- said that Don had been getting even more reclusive over the past few years.
I sent him letters, I sent him e-mails, I called him -- no response. I sat in front of a computer at 2 am in a freezing bedroom, crying while I wrote an e-mail pleading with him 2 get in touch with me. & then I laffed when I thot of what Don might've said if he'd been there 2 see me. He would not have let me off the hook 4 getting so mushy.
I just wanted my old friend back.
When I was back home in 2010, I tried again 2 reach Don. His phone had been disconnected. On the last nite of my visit, some friends of mine tried 2 reach Don thru Facebook. But he'd taken his page down. It was like he didn't WANT 2 B reached. Like he WANTED to disappear.
I should have gone out 2 his house in Nampa right then & dragged his lazy ass out in2 the daylight. I don't know why I didn't. I don't know what I was thinking. It was my last day there. I didn't want to scare him or barge in unexpected. I didn't wanna cause more damage. & maybe I was sorta scared of what I might find.
& now this.
I was just thinking about him last week, wondering what happened, how he slipped away, thinking we'd always have time 2 figure it out. & when I tried 2 track him down 2nite, I learned that he'd died.
I'm not mad at you for disappearing anymore, Don. I just want my old friend back.

#551: 2 months on Match.com!

Maybe it woulda gone better if I'd posted a photo quicker.
On the other hand, that mighta made it worse....
Awhile back I decided maybe I wasn't dead after all (romantically speaking), that I'd probly never get all my Issues with my old girlfriend cleared-up 2 my complete satisfaction, & that I was probly lonelier than I'd ever admit.
So after shopping around 4 a bit, I decided 2 put myself out there & joined Match.com, an on-line dating website.
I was XTREMELY nervous about this, so I joined 4 a month at a time, which cost me more. I ended up spending $70 I couldn't really afford, but I learned some things.
I learned that on-line dating has as many rules & points of etiquette as Real Life. That it's just as complicated. That there's just as much mystery & missed connections & questions. There's probly just as much lying 2, but I didn't Xperience that part -- I don't think....
I didn't get 2 meet anybody in Real Life, I didn't go out on a date, it was never even close. At the end of 2 months I gave up, Bcos it never got any better. I was warned not 2 get my hopes up 2 high -- that women dating on-line were liable 2 B REALLY cautious. They WERE, & I don't blame them.
I Xchanged e-mails with 4 or 5 very nice women. But it never went anywhere. They mostly decided I was not the guy for them, & that's fine. I decided 1 woman definitely was not the right gal 4 me.
Any mess-ups were entirely my fault.
I made 1 BIG mess-up early:
It took me A MONTH 2 post a photo.
This is probly the single most important thing I learned: I am a COMPUTER IDIOT. Obviously I know enuf about computers 2 get in trouble with them -- but it took me A MONTH 2 figure out how the webcam on my laptop could be used 2 take photos. It was staring me right in the face the whole time, but I couldn't find my way in2 it, couldn't figure out how 2 access it. When a friend finally showed me how -- & it took less than 10 seconds -- I felt like a complete high-tech moron.
By then the damage was probly already done. I'd had a good time writing a personal profile 4 the site, listing my likes & hopes & dreams & preferences.
But then I learned lotsa women won't respond or even notice a guy who doesn't post a photo. Not fair, but there it is. So I was kinda in a panic about that. I can see how posting a photo lets the ladies out there know that you're not really The Elephant Man ... & on-line dating is all about looks & mutual interests & chemistry, etc. So....
So I finally got a photo posted a month in2 the Xperience -- & then women in my area learned that ... I REALLY DO LOOK LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN! With a photo posted, I had more women looking at my profile -- at least 2wice as many! ... but fewer women seemed intrested in e-mailing/talking.
By then I had noticed other things about the dating site that struck me as funny, & I updated my profile 2 make note of them. This was probly a bad mistake. But I was trying 2 impress the ladies with my wacky sense of humor, don't ya know. Probly shoulda backed off on that 1, but it's 2 late now....
Like, 4 instance: 90 percent of the women on the site woulda LOVED romantic walks on the beach with an attractive, financially-secure, emotionally-available, passionate mate who Doesn't Play Games.
Well, WHO DOESN'T? But how many of them R available?
So I sorta made fun of that, & then talked about the Reality -- which is 2 say, me.
Tried 2 keep the laffs going: "I've got a job, so I won't be begging you for money!"
"Never been arrested! Haven't had a traffic ticket since 1980!"
"Don't smoke! Don't drink! Nothing stronger than coffee!"
"Boring! Quiet! Loyal as a puppy dog!"
I really tried 2 sell it, such as it is. I was probly a little TOO honest.
1 very nice woman said she absolutely loved my profile -- it made her laff a lot. But she was looking 4 some1 whose income she could retire on....
Hey, I'm looking 4 some1 whose income I CAN RETIRE ON, 2.... Can't really blame her, I guess.
1 of the neat things about dating sites is that every day they point you toward profiles -- little autobiographies -- of folks they think you might B compatible with, based on yer intrests, likes & dislikes, etc. At 1st I was fascinated by those profiles. Some of them were VERY intimate, like reading poetry. Some of these women had obviously thot about what they wanted quite a lot....
Then the profiles started getting kinda same-y. EVERYBODY wants romantic walks on the beach with an attractive, financially-secure etc. etc. etc....
I started skimming the profiles. I stopped bothering 2 read profiles written by women whose photos made them look older than my mother. I stopped reading profiles that had misspelled words in them -- yes, ME, having issues with bad spelling! I KNOW! Unfair, impatient, uncaring -- but true.
Some of the profiles were actually 2 sad 2 read. More than 1 Asian lady wrote that they wanted -- I PROMISE I'm NOT making this up -- "A nice man. Man who don't drink too much. Man who don't smoke too much. Man who not yell. Man who not angry all time. Man who don't want sex first thing. That not first thing I want."
I felt sorry for those women. I thot they painted a real clear picture of what their previous relationships were like -- of what A LOT of relationships seem 2 B like these days....
Don't get me wrong -- it was a fun Xperiment. I might even go back 4 more. But I coulda bought a lot of books & music 4 $70, so I think I might just rely on Reality 2 meet new women from now on.
Dating sites R full of people (women, at least) who still believe in The Myth Of Love -- in Chemistry, in Meeting The Right One, The Love Who Will Last Forever.
Hell, I still believe in all that. At least I WANT to. I probly shouldn't have made fun of it. Even in the intrest of Keeping Things Light.
Because Life doesn't get much more Personal than that.