#622: The poster-child for stressing-out

Late August, 1999. Two days after my 40th birthday. After taking my first week off from work in 3 years, by 8:30 am Monday I'm back at my desk, trying to pull-together the next issue of the small weekly newspaper I've been editing since May.
It's an absolutely normal Monday. There's a lot of work to do, a big pile of paperwork in front of me, & nobody did much to prepare for the next issue while I was gone. But I've been working 50+ hours a week since May, so I'm getting used to it. Everything is going exactly as I expected.
But I'm having trouble with it.
By 9:30 am I start to hyperventilate. I can't relax. My hands and arms are getting all tingly. I can't stop panting for breath. I call a therapist I've been talking to about work-related stress and marriage problems. He recommends getting out of the building and getting something to eat.
But I can't leave -- there's too much work to do. I can't push it off on my co-workers, either -- they're wrapped-up in their own work. I try eating. It doesn't help. I try organizing a long schedule of events for a quickly-approaching town festival, the one thing that MUST be on the next front page. But I can't focus. I can't MAKE it make sense. I can't even get the list of happenings typed.
I drink some water. I try to walk around a little, but my legs are all wobbly. My arms are going numb. My heart is racing. And I can't slow down my breathing.
I call my therapist back. He ORDERS me to get out of the building. But it's too late.
At noon, I ask our receptionist if she could do me a favor and call my wife. And an ambulance. I can't seem to do it myself. I can't breathe. I can't get enough air. For some reason it seems like there will be more air on the floor, so I go there.
By 12:15 I'm stretched out on my back on the office floor, still hyperventilating. My arms are numb, my hands locked into fists. My legs are cramping and folding up. I moan for someone to help me, but nobody will even come talk to me.
At the edge of my vision, I can see the head of the reporter I just hired, standing nearby, watching, but she won't get closer. I'm scaring her. I'm scaring myself. I can hear phones ringing and people talking and Monday going on, but I'm stuck on the floor alone and I can't move. I'm left to gasp and flop like a fish. I'm helpless.
Finally an EMT appears & I try to tell her what's wrong. Another EMT appears, they put me on a gurney & I'm wheeled outside into an ambulance. I notice vaguely that a crowd has gathered. My co-workers are calling my name and telling me to hang in there. My wife has appeared and says she'll follow me to the hospital.
In the ambulance, the EMTs give me SOMETHING & try to determine if I'm having a heart attack. I'm SURE that's what's happening. I'm convinced that I'm gonna die, 2 days after my 40th birthday.
In the emergency room, they run tests & try to bring my breathing under control. They have to teach me how to breathe again. It takes awhile.
When I'm stable, they admit me to the hospital & put me in the cardiac critical care unit til they determine if I've had a heart attack. It looks like I'm gonna be there for awhile.
My wife appears, and we cry all over each other. We both note the timing of this "attack," & without trying 2 make Too Big A Deal out of it, we both wonder if I've been pushing things too hard & if somebody's trying to send me A Message.
She stays for awhile, then has to leave to go check on the kids. She sez she'll bring me back something to read in case I'm stuck here overnight.
And as soon as she leaves, I'm overcome by the most intense feelings of RELIEF that I've possibly ever felt -- as if this bed, in this place, is EXACTLY where I wanted to be, exactly where I was headed from the moment I woke up this morning. It's safe & quiet here. And someone else is gonna havta run the newspaper for me.
And then I cry like a baby.
Eventually, 1 of the ER docs comes in & tells me I DIDN'T have a heart attack -- I had an anxiety attack. A nurse tells me they can prescribe some anti-anxiety meds, but they won't solve my problem -- that my problem is whatever's kicking around in my head.
Then they release me.
I take a day off to think it over, then go to work on Weds & resign as the editor. But I offer to work as a full-time reporter to make up for it. This is a mistake, but I was always happier writing full-time anyway.
I try the anti-anxiety meds, & once I get used to the "zombie effect," they're not bad -- I feel like me with all the stress removed. It's sorta enjoyable.
But the stress continues -- there's just as much, if not more, with reporting full-time. & I knew that. But this is my 1st step in moving away from my 20-year career in journalism. & it takes me 2 more years to give up & get out of it entirely.

Don't let this happen to you. If you're in a high-stress job that overworks you to the point of breakdown, get away from it. Figure out some other way to pay your bills. Don't give your life to a career where nobody keeps score. Because the things you'll lose are things you might never get back -- spouse, children, possibly your health, maybe your life. It ain't worth it.
I was stupid. Looking back, I wish I hadn't sold myself so cheap. & I wish I'd known I was living The Good Life while I was IN it....

Vacation, all I ever wanted....

Greetings. Took a week-long vacation back home to Idaho. Went to see my Dad and Sister. Tracked-down 1 old friend & tried to find more; at 1 point I wished I'd kept in touch with more old friends from highschool so I'd have more folks to track down....
But I went mainly to see my Dad & get a break from work, maybe get back in touch with myself again. I've been way too grumpy & sad for way too long.
Idaho was very different. The pace there was MUCH slower. For a week I didn't hear people yelling, didn't see folks stressing-out, nobody tried to run over me on the road, nobody yelled obscenities at me for driving too slow -- nobody seemed to be in too much of a hurry. & I didn't see any weirdos freaking-out in public.
It was ... pretty great.
Coupla minor drawbacks: I was so far out in the sticks that I couldn't get cellphone service -- so far out the World's Smallest Laptop couldn't suck-up enuf signals to receive or transmit, tho I tried.
I was a little different, too. I didn't drink as much coffee. Didn't need it. I woke up before noon, regularly -- as early as 7 am, some days -- got up just because the sun was out & it was a beautiful morning. Of course on vacation you can do stuff like that.
The air was different there too -- way lighter & less humid than here in Western Washington. Tho it got hot -- up into the mid-90's -- the dryness of the air made it feel maybe 10 degrees cooler than the same temps here. Course when it got over 100, that was hot enuf for anyone....
It was nice to see the family, & my 1st day back I got a little reminder of what I've missed in my nearly 30 years away from home -- I was introduced to an adorable little 4-year-old girl who is 1 of my nieces, & I was intro'd to her as her "Great Uncle." I still can't keep track of who my sister's kids are married to. I've missed out on a LOT.
Spent a lotta time just driving around the Boise area -- there's a lot of nostalgia there for me. Wish I'd had time to do more. Didn't find a single decent used bookstore that was open -- tho I drove by several that had closed. Didn't even bother trying used record stores -- was afraid of what I might find. But neither of those things were why I went.
Can't comment on Idaho radio because I hardly listened to any: When I was driving thru my old hometown I wanted to be IN IT, not distracted. Can talk a little about radio on the drive there & back: There's a rather good oldies station around Stanfield & Hermiston, Oregon, that specializes in '60s & '70s hits -- I hadn't heard Paul Revere & the Raiders' "Him or Me -- What's it Gonna Be?" in awhile. But the station faded out as soon as I got into Oregon's Blue Mountains.
The only other thing I can tell you is that Eastern Oregon has a few too many radio stations broadcasting about the wonders of Jeezus & Ghod 24/7 -- I remember making the same trip back in '79 & coming over a hill near Baker, Ore., only to be suddenly blasted by the Voice Of Ghod announcing the adventures of "God's Own Agriculturalist -- George Washington Carver!!!!" Their programming hasn't changed much....
Perhaps this weirdness is because there's a lotta wide-open spaces in Eastern Oregon, Eastern Washington & lots of Idaho & Wyoming -- there's a stark beauty there, but there's also MILES of Nothing. That's why many people fly over that part of the country rather than drive it. But I hate to fly....
I took tons of CDs with me for the trip, then ended up not playing most of them. Played most of Camel's ECHOES best-of ("Never Let Go," "Rhayader," "Unevensong," "Breathless," "Echoes," "Drafted," "Sasquatch," "West Berlin," "Mother Road"), & started on Caravan's CANTERBURY TALES best-of ("Place of My Own," "And I Wish I Were Stoned," "Golf Girl," "Nine Feet Underground," "The World is Yours," "Songs and Signs") -- but when I narrowly avoided wrecking the rental car by trying to dodge around a shredded tire in the middle of the freeway, I decided 2 put the CDs away & focus on what was in front of me ... at least for the next hundred miles or so. & I never got back to them....
I didn't take anything to read with me. While there I wanted to DO & BE -- experience, not try to get away.
The only thing wrong with the break -- of course -- was that it wasn't any longer. Nothing here changed while I was gone.
There are a FEW jobs in Idaho, if you want to work for $7.52/hour, which I don't. But I liked the slower pace, after years of stressing out. & the sunshine & clear skies, long as it didn't get TOO hot. & the closeness of family, even if I haven't seen most of them in years. & being surrounded by a place I know very well. & I have a few friends there.
I needed the break, tho coming back home felt pretty good too. Tho mosta those good feelings were gone by 11 pm on my 1st nite back to work. Since then I've shredded the fanbelt on my truck, so I'm now walking the mile to & from work -- which actually hasn't been that bad. Sort of a nice break, & the exercise is probably better for me than I wanna admit. Long as no passing cars try to run over me during my walk home at 1 am....
...I'd like to get back to blogging here. There are lots of things I'd still like to write about, lotsa great music & books I'd like to turn y'all on to. But I needed the break. Most of my reading experiences lately have been disappointing. & except for the little bit of music I listened to during the trip, I don't think I've played any music in the house since about April -- which shoulda been a sign to me that something was wrong....
I hope to get back to this, I hope to write more in general, perhaps even try to push on with that rock-group novel. As I was reminded while on vacation, I'm 50 ... so I'd better get on with it. Even if my health was perfect I couldn't expect to have 50 more years left. Maybe 20? So I've wasted too much time already. But I already knew that.
Can't promise I'm gonna be back to my old productive self, but I am feeling a LITTLE better. If anyone has an idea about how I can take a year off & still get paid, please let me know....